select posts I Met a Girl You Opened the Door. Conservative Pop Music? Doing Roots With Geeks David Says Cynic

Thursday, November 07, 2002

During the first few weeks of this I would go to the door and knock. Almost every time L would call out from the other side of the metal door, "Go away!"

When this started I wasn't too clear on what exactly was going on. But I persisted. After L yelled; you, being all of two years old at the time, would whisper "Daddy." I would crouch down near the ground and talk to you through the door. The tears would be in my eyes as I talked to you and told you how much I loved you. At some point I would say something which would set off L and she would grab you, put her hand over your mouth, and carry you back into the recesses of the apartment to your room where she would slam the door. As she grabbed you you would cry out in pain "Daddy! Daddy!" and then I would hear the muffle of L's hand over your mouth. After you were gone behind the slamming bedroom door I would lay there slumped against the cold steel door and cry.

The neighbors would walk by and look at me with horror. I would gather together my strength, get up, and walk away in a daze.

Eventually, after I realized the pain I was putting you through by trying to see you like this, I stopped coming by. Instead I went to court.

One of the last times I showed up to see you I knocked at the door. I heard you say "Daddy?" through the door. I said, through the door, "Hi honey I just came by to tell you that I loved you." You giggled. "I love you too!" you said. Then I heard some shuffling. It seemed to go on for quite a while. Then you opened the door and we saw each other for the first time in over a month. We both laughed and hugged each other. You held my hand and trundled us over to the couch. I sat down and you plopped onto my lap and hugged me and we started playing the finger game. We were having a wonderful time. Then suddenly L walked out of her room. She began screaming at me to get out of her house. She screamed "How did you get in here? I'm calling the police!"

You burst into tears and hugged me as tight as you could and didn't want her to take you away from me. L wrenched you off of my lap and out of my embrace and demanded I leave. You were screaming and trying to get away and I said "It's okay K let me in and I'll go. I just walked in when I was invited in." I told you I loved you and turned my back to walk out as L screamed and slammed the door behind me. I could hear you screaming in pain and the bedroom door slammed once again. I stood there outside the door with everything spinning. I could smell my daughter on my skin. I could feel her hair on my fingertips and I resolved then that I was being a coward. I resolved that I had to sue L for custody.

All of that is almost 6 years ago now. Writing this down now I can feel it all again, I can smell the air, taste the metallic shock in my mouth. I wonder if all of that visceral memory will ever go away.

This last month you brought all of this back to me in such a strong fashion. I never knew how it is that you had opened the door. I mean the door handle was far over your little 2 year old head. But it turns out, as you were so proud to inform me the other day, that you had gone into your bedroom and dragged this green plastic toy box out to the door so you could stand on it and let me in.

I am constantly amazed at your ingenuity. And pleasantly surprised at your willingness to fill in the gaps in what I know about what happened to us both in those days. I so love you "Miss Tunes"!
10:30:01 PM    comment []