I have decided to forgive Lars von Trier. 

I'm sure he will be relieved. Hahaha.

Apparently it's been nine years now that I've been furious with him, and like most lovers' spats that angry and that distant, I can't be sure what exactly it was about.

Dogma 95? The way he employed it in Breaking The Waves? Or was I deeply offended by the way that story played out?

All of them, I think, but couldn't swear to any of them, except the first.

God. Shaky cameras bug the shit out of me. They have their place to be sure, but it's a rare place, and you better have a damn good reason for it if you want to give me a freaking headache just trying to watch your film. (And do you really want me to have a headache while trying to absorb your film?)

Not to mention, it just reeks of that crap I had to endure occasionally in grad school, that pitiful attempt that generally uncreative people who envision themselves Great Artists always seem to be searching after: Art By Gimmick.

Forget the gimmicks, just concentrate on the art.

Pissed me off more because he had such obvious talent. Hence the lover analogy: yes, you really do reserve the most anger for the ones you love, or want to love, could love, if they just . . .

Hennyway.

Dancer in the Dark.

Whoa. Another tough movie to get through. (What was with me at the video store this weekend?)

(Before I get into it, let me get this much out of the way: Bjork is stupendous, Catherine Deneuve luminous. Of course)

For awhile I was bored numb, then I was horrified, then I was furious at him for his cruelty--cruelty to your characters can be unforgivable, especially such absolute ruthless cruelty.

Of course that's when I realized how completely sucked in I had become. Bjork's character was completely real to me, and I had become incredibly protective of her, and how how how could he be so simultaneously cruel to her in so many different ways?

But when he began to color his picture--ahhhhhhhh, the wonder of it.

But that was the cruelest part to us, because he didn't introduce the color until he was right about to slam us in the head with his first hammer, and it was so obvious it was coming that it was impossible to enjoy the sudden burst of exuberance, and then when the hammer hit right out cue, man, had we been set up.

And it kept on that way for the whole movie. No way to enjoy any of the joy, because it was all marred by such horror.

And yet . . .

I'm still not sure how I feel about this thing. It's only been three hours since it ended.

But I think . . .

I know he moved me and I think I like it. I think.

Update:

no, that title is not just a play on my latest obsession, Brokeback Mountain. i really did break my back 21 years ago.

first the background, then the latest development:

it was kind of a freak accident, while i was in the army, and it was pretty bad, so they sent me to the top army hospital. it was a burst fracture of my first lumbar vertebrae, L1. it was crushed to half its original height, and the bone fragments lodged in my spinal canal there, blocking (or occluding) 50% of the canal. miraculously, none of them severed my spinal cord. (at walter reed, they got my ct scan before they got me and assumed i was paralyzed from the pictures.)

i had a fusion of six vertebrae and two rods inserted, spent ten months in a body cast, and gradually returned to more or less normal, though my army career was abruptly over.

when i left walter reed, they told me a person in my condition had an 18% chance of paralysis somewhere down the road. and if it came, it would likely be complete paralysis below the fracture. 

i figured my odds had gone down quite a bit by avoiding it this long, but i don't really know.

i've been kind of wondering where i stood for 20 years.

and then . . .

ok, i'm going to switch now, to the email i sent my family september 20. took me a day to write it to them, because i left the doctor feeling numb, emotionally. slightly zombified. and not completely clear why.

and it's taken me another couple weeks to post here, because . . . hmmmmm. because i've been busy writing and it set me back several days kind of in a weird state of shock, and because, hmmmm, maybe there are a few things not to share with the whole world.

but what the hell.

or why start now?

here goes. more from me after the email to them:

so my chronic back pain was getting progressively worse the past few years, so i finally called a back surgeon in june, the best in denver, supposedly. took me 3+ months to get an appointment, ct scan and back for my consult, which was yesterday.

very mixed picture, not sure what to make of it.

(and the picture is a little blurry, literally, compared to most pictures available today, because the rods in my back are metal, so they can't do an MRI, and ct scans are kind of scattered. much more clear than the x-rays, but not nearly as clear as the pix they're used to getting for most people.

good news: the 50% occlusion (blockage) in my spinal canal at L-1, the site of the breakage is gone. had no idea that was possible. my body somehow absorbed the bone chips or moved them or something.

bad news: i have developed a new occlusion right where the rods end, between L4 and L5. (nearly all the bending in your back is done by your five lumbar vertebrae. since 4 of mine are fused, my entire bending is done at that one point, and all the pressure is put on that one disk, instead of being spread among five. they told me back at Walter Reed that it was going to be hard on this spot.) looking at the ct scan it looks like a lot more than 50%, but it's in three regular kind of bubbles, not like jagged bone chips, if that matters.

i had also never actually seen my ct scan, so it was unexpectedly disturbing to actually see it for the first time, after all these years--not to mention in a different place than i was expecting it.

he said the occlusion was obviously not a good thing, but not necessarily huge danger, either. he had this kind of annoying not-so-good-not-so-bad take on nearly everything, which gave me no solid sense of anything. and at that spot, it was more likely to be causing shooting pain down my legs rather than the back pain i'd been having--which could be from any number of things. and the leg pain is the main sign of impending paralysis, so luckily i'm not having that, but scary to see potential precursors of it. but i've avoided it this long.

the rods look good though, and the vertebrae fused well, lots of bone matter there. (another big relief. when they took off the body cast, the doc was disappointed in how much bone had developed, but seemed resigned to no more progress and took it off. always left me kind of nervous. been wondering for 20 years. nice to see it eventually filled in.) that's all a relief.

(i've also had less severe but chronic neck trouble, so he had an MRI of that done, which showed two bulging disks--but only moderately bulging. again, the same no-disaster-but-not-great-news kind of attitude from him. wear and tear of life can cause that, happens to a lot of people, but a lot of them have chronic pain.

prognosis: no surgery or other drastic measures at this time. he's sending me to a rehab doctor who can try a variety of things over time, like physical therapy, medication, injections . . .

so i guess i'm just at the start of the road to treatment, still not even to the doc who will devise the initial plan after 3.5 months, which is also frustrating, but i guess this is how it works.

one other big bright spot. i had unrelated stress-muscle-pulls in my shoulder and bicep this summer, where tito prescribed heavy ibuprofen (4 advils at a time, three times a days) plus ice. then i slipped running down the carpeted stairs three weeks ago and hit my back really hard (been meaning to mention this), worst fall since the accident, couldn't get up at first, could barely walk for a few days. went to the elk grove doctor, and he prescribed the same regime. and the ibuprofen relieved my chronic back pain, too. completely when i was on it, but quite a bit of it while i was off it, too. (i stayed on it nearly a month, the first time, and apparently i relieved the chronic inflammation in my back.) so there's prolly a lot of relief options out there.

just not sure what to make of all this. has left me kind of numb and slightly disturbed/unnerved. mostly i think i expected more clear black-and-white answers after wondering for 20 years, but i guess that was unrealistic. realistic or not, that was my expectation, though, and all i have is this muddiness. i don't like mud.

but i'll prolly feel much better about it soon. especially if this rehab doc starts taking away the pain.

just unsettled about the future. odd, because i had thought i had come to terms with it being a big question mark. maybe it was just that it was the same question mark, and one i had grown used to, just the same thing hanging there that i barely even noticed it, or minded it. now it's kind of a different question mark, and everything is stirred up again. just can't shake this queasy feeling. hopefully i will soon.

d

a few minutes later, i sent a similar messages to a few friends, with this preamble:

i didn't really know what i thought when i started writing it, or why it was bothering me. now i know why i felt numb for the past 20 hours: because i had too many contradictory feelings and didn't understand where some of them were coming from. writing it sorted it out. i feel a lot better now. at least i know what i'm feeling.

and i'm kind of ticked with that doc. but i have also written out the key questions i have, beginning w/ the bottom line: at walter reed, they were very blunt about my odds at each step. when i left, the head of ortho was very precise about his wording, and figures: 18% of people in a condition like mine would develop full paralysis below the point of impact at some point in their lives. if i felt a tingling in my legs, get to a hospital immediately. the new films show my situation miraculously better at L1, but much worse and apparently progressive at L5. are my odds better or worse than 18%? that's my biggest bottom line.

(especially since statistically my odds improve each year that i don't become part of the 18%. so i had assumed i might be way below 10% by now. and now: who knows. where the hell am i at, that's the question.)

but feeling much better that i'm understanding how/why i'm feeling, and also gathering the questions to call him. i'm going to give it a day or two, so i'm sure i've compiled them all.

and a frag from another:

i've been wondering where i stood for 20 years, and was anticipating clarity and instead got muddier. for now. felt shitty this morning but already starting to get past it. partly because i jotted down the specific questions i'm going to call the doc with to follow up.

i did feel a lot better after that. and then angrier at that doc, and then more proactive about all the things i was going to do, and then, gradually . . . i guess, just used to it again.

it really does seem it was mostly a matter of stirring it up again. for years after it happened, it felt like this huge cloud hanging over me, but after a decade or two i sort of got used to the cloud.

used to it enough to undo some big compromises, too. mainly the career compromise. after the accident i went back to college and changed my major to math and computer science, specifically for the purpose of insuring i could support myself--and all my medical needs and somebody to care for me round the clock and all--if i was paralyzed down the line. stephen hawking became my role model.

that lasted about ten years.

the writing tugged at me so badly and the scare of incapacitation had faded enough that i chucked a lucrative career and went back to grad school in creative writing.

yeah, i got used to it.

and then, yow. not necessarily bad news--maybe even good news, just very unclear news--and suddenly it's all open again, and that cloud, i suddenly feel it right on my back again. ugh.

or i did. doesn't seem to have taken ten years to shake free of it this time. i have a feeling it will be back--like the day i go to see the rehab doc, perhaps, and i have still not made the appointment--and who knows how many other times, but for now . . . it's just gone again. i don't care again.

i can't make myself care. it's this weird thing. it's sort of like the period after my mentor lucia died last fall. after a week of distress, i suddenly couldn't feel a thing for awhile. (until the week leading up to the funeral, as everyone made arrangements to come back to colorado, and our own little Big Chill weekend loomed, and it came rushing back with a vengeance.)

i'm not expecting a vengeance this time. not sure about that, but not predicting it. for now, i'm fine. and i think i will be.

I found this map of "the controversy" very interesting and amusing.

And a really interesting dialect study on the U.S. to go with it.

Slow. But ultimately satisfying.

Very. On both counts.