This is an awkward moment for me. In a whole lotta ways.

First off, the idea of a blog(ger) endorsing a candidate kinda makes me snicker. Or at least me doing it. If I were dailykos, different story. But I'm not, am I? He's topping a million readers a month and he's a real force in the political scene. Maybe more so than a lot of idiotic but widely-read newspaper pundits.

I'm doing OK. I seem to have hit a steady stream of 15,000 vists, 30,000 page-views a month. I'm happy with that, but it's not like I've got any business in the endorsement business.

So that rules out that word. But I've felt kinda bad the past several months that I'm not all the way on board with Dean. ("On board," sounds like I'm going with that.) I ruled out eight other candidates back in June, but I always held out the possibility of backing Clark if he ever got around to jumping in.

And then he did jump in, and I made it plain that I was supporting both of them. That was the second problem (I'm still coming to the first.) Some of the Deaniacs got mad at me for refusing to join them fully in The Deanquest, but it made no sense to me, for me. I was all about attending meetups, writing letters to Iowa and New Hampshire, sending in contributions and recruiting friends. But there were two really good men in the race, and both were still unproven, what sense did it make to commit before they fought it out and proved which better candidate would win?

I'm not a politician looking for political payback by endorsing early. I'm a writer observing the scene, reflecting on what transpires. I have more of an obligation to let them tear it up a bit first.

(That obligation ends with evil forces like the Bush administration. I'll stop just short of calling George Bush evil personally, but in his retarded lingo, he sure as hell been an evildoer much of the past three years. So I'm ready to get on board early with any drive to remove that blight on our history.)

And I still think it would be in Dean's best interest to fight it out a bit harder in the primaries. I guess he's taking on a bit of that now, with some of the vicious attacks from some of his fellow Dems (and that is charitably counting Lieberman among the Dems). I would have preferred a single strong challenger to take him on one-on-one, much the way Bush will in the fall, but it's not looking like that will happen.

Eventually, the press will narrow it down to a two-man contest, and it's looking pretty clearly already that the second man will be Wes Clark, but it could be too little too late, when that happens.

Maybe not. We still may get a good Dean-Clark battle, and I strongly think that will be a healthy thing for both men if it happens. I have been dreaming about that battle for six months, and planning to back whoever comes out stronger, but I'm ready now to pick Dean ahead of time, for a reason I never really considered back in the summer.

First, though, the main thing still troubling me. Because it's really troubling me.

Just as I was ready to hop off the fence half a week ago, Frank Rich published one of the best pieces ever written on Dean (so far) in the Sunday Times, which happened to outline the very ideas finally tipping me in favor of "endorsing," but lead with the very idea holding me back: "I am not a partisan of Dr. Dean or any other Democratic candidate."

Same here. Not until this post. That's a very powerful statement Frank made, because it changes the lens with which all the ensuing ideas are consumed. It means: I'm not outlining this case for how Dean has altered the process as a sneaky backhanded way to hype my candidate, I'm presenting it to you because I beleive it's true.

Everything I write here is because I beleive it's true. That's the whole point, and I really afraid of tainting that. Because that is not why a lot of people write. It's not why most of the bozos out there in the punditocracy open their mouths or pick up their pens. They've got something to sell.

I'm not here to sell you Howard Dean, and I never will be. I'm still a journalist and I'm still a writer with an independent voice. That's my primary mission.

I'd love to seen Dean elected, and sometimes I wistfully wonder what it would be like to be in Burlington at the heart of the whole thing making it happened. An acquaintance of mine, a guy named Bobby Clark, did that nearly a year ago, and I talk to him about it occasionally, and I wonder if I made the right decision. It's a hell of an exciting place to be right now. I wish I could be a bigger part of it.

But that's not my calling. I could never join Dean's payroll, because that would compromise everything else I want to do. I never want to be beholden to him, that's not what I'm here for. About three times now since I restarted this blog in June, Howard Dean has does something to piss me off, and I've said so here, loud and clear. And I intend to keep doing it.

I never want anyone to write my opinions off as just the hot air of a deanspinner. When I praise something Dean does, it has been and will continue to be because I think it's praiseworthy, not because I want the guy to win, so I'm hyping whatever crap he shits out as manna from heaven.

Let me give you an example. There's this salon blogger named Robert. Great heart, true believer, but I think the guy went way over the edge for John Kerry a long, long time ago. I have no doubt that the guy (Robert) has a strong, sincere affection for Kerry and what he stood for, and really thought the guy could win. So far, so good. But he let his Kerry dream get hold of his better judgement. Every sagging poll number somehow revealed that hidden kernel of great news. The campaign kept disintegrating, but as long as I kept reading, he just kept on reporting sunshine.

I don't expect Dean's campaign to disintegrate anytime soon, but who knows about the fall. I expect him to make mincemeat of George Bush, but never underestimate the power of incumbency. It's going to be a tough fight, and I intend to reflect on it honestly. Same with the ups and downs still ahead of us in the primaries.

There are plenty of spinmeisters out there already. I hate that shit. What's the point of reading something when you already know what they're going to say. That's what makes all that nonsense on the shouter shows like Hardball worthless.

So I'm formally backing Dean here, but I flatly refuse to spin for him.

Yes, I'm formally backing him, using the silly endorsement word if you like. (In an early, mental composition of this post about a week ago, I presented it as endorsing Wes Clark for Veep. I figured that had enough ironic distance to protect me from looking pretentious, but fuck protection. If I'm coming out all the way for Dean, I want to gush.)

Boy, do I want to gush. I said I never wanted to stifle my voice when it came time to criticizing Dean, but I'm stifling it just as badly when I hold back every week about how excited I am that the man keeps striding his way toward the white house.

Not holding back a lot, maybe. Last time I brought this up, in the early fall, somebody wrote incredulously in the comments "I had no idea you were going for objectivity." Not objectivity. Just independence. I'll say whatever I want, even if it hurts the guy I want to get elected.

But holding back enough to bug me.

So here goes:

• Howard Dean should be the next president of the United States.
• Howard Dean deserves the Democratic nomination for president.
• I still think Wesley Clark would make a great candidate, but not as a strong a candidate as Howard Dean.
• I'm formally coming out in favor of Howard Dean over Wes Clark. (And of course over all those other dwarves. Dick Gephardt? Get serious.)

I was in like with the first idea for the past 18 months (2 years) or so, ever since whenever it was he started traveling the country exploring the possibility, and I saw a bit of him and liked him.

I've been in love with the idea since the spring, when I met him in person and was tremendously impressed. He really does feel like a different kind of politician than we're used to, and I really am enthralled with the idea of getting him into the white house. And that was also the first sense I had that he might actually be a force capable of beating that shrub.

And now. Right now I am just in heaven for the guy.

But I still didn't explain the full reason that turned me around. All that handwringing on why I'm getting all the way on board the train. Jeez.

Well, it may not be that important to you, but it's really important to me.

I'll try to get back here in the next day or two on what finally hurtled me over the top.