A man too needy enough to be amazed at the idea of owning his own his car gave up a million dollar tonight because lost faith in his own sense of self worth.

(I do believe Ian would have won that challenge, could have booted Tom in good faith and creamed Katie in the finals.)

Ian. Ian Ian Ian.

They would have forgiven you, buddy. It is just a game. You were supposed to play off everyone against each other.

Tom was just angry for a day or two because you almost played him--or considered the possibility of playing him. And Katie played you far more than you ever thought about playing her.

I respect you so much for caring what other people think of you, for wanting desperately to do the right thing and to win their respect.

But with out getting too Oprah on you, dude, the only one whose respect that ultimately matters is your own. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. In your heart, you know that. By now, months later, I'm sure you already know it--though I predict tonight on the reunion, you'll say you're glad you made the decision. Of course you will. (I'm 80 minutes into the show, by the way. The minute I saw Ian booted I had to come to the PC to write this.)

The sad part, the first really tragic thing I've seen on the show this season, is watching someone I like so very much sacrifice something so important to him--the success you would have beamed about your entire life, and the million dollars that would have changed it--because he can't take ownership of his own self-respect, has to look to others to prove he's good enough.

You just purchased your self-respect for one million dollars. Or tried to. But the joke's on you, obviously, because it's not in their possession to grant you.

Painful.

Now here's the part that makes me really curious. How many regular readers are shaking their heads right now wondering if I know why I find it so intensely painful? Sometimes you guys know this stuff about me before I do. But not this time.

That's me out there. That mess with my family this week? Same thing. Most of my struggles with my writing? Same. Friendship problems, boyfriend problems, usually the same damn thing.

I know when I'm right, when I'm satisfied I've tried hard enough, authentically enough, and done the right thing. But I can't sleep nights without everyone else in my life telling me it's good enough.

And I mean everyone, or damn near it. Pitiful, really. Ninety percent of the crowd can be right behind me, but I literally toss and turn in bed at night whining myself away from sleep over that last ten percent.

I have known that for quite awhile. Sometimes I put a little effort into changing it, although of all the challenges I've faced in my life, that one feels about the hardest to get my arms around. Jarring to watch someone else play out the same hand, though. In such striking terms, in such a concentrated situation, with so much at stake, and let's face it, so little to gain. This isn't his girlfriend on the line, or his children, or the family he grew up with, or his best friend since college. These are people he first met a month ago. On a game show where his entire purpose there as well as theirs was to act this way. Could a brilliant novelist devise a situation more preposterous for a character to put his self-respect out for bid?

I'm trying to burn this scenario into my brain so I'll have it there to chuckle at when I find myself making a fruitless plea half that ridiculous.

Survivor as cautionary tale.

Have I mentioned how I adore this show?