If you've been watching Survivor this season, particularly this past Thursday, you probably came to the conclusion that Blake Towsley is kind of a dick. If you missed him on The Early Show the next morning, you have no idea.

On Thursday, you had the footage of him babbling incessantly about his infinite superiority--about his high school state sports championship, about his girlfriend's size double-D breasts, about his wild drunken debauchery--and you had the outcome of the episode: his three original tribemates, who had everything to gain by sticking together, may well have written themselves out of contention just to get a human being so vile out of their vicinity.

That was nothing.

Friday morning, after months away from the game to get over his astonishment and anger over being disliked, and mere seconds after thumping his chest for having played the game so honorably, he chose the most spineless method possible to slander his former adversary Brian with what he surely regards as the ultimate insult.

Brian badmouthed him in Guatemala, and apparently engineered his ouster. Blake got his revenge Friday by "accusing" Brian of being gay--by pretending to "defend" him.

Judge for yourself. I transcribed his full screed, no edits or omissions of any kind (though I didn't bother with a few quick echoes of his comments from Harry Smith, spoken at the same time as Blake, in the midst of it):

"The thing that I wanted to come away with more than a million dollars was my honor and my integrity, and I did that. The one thing that was kind of--everybody in the, everybody on the cast and everybody thought that that Brian was gay. And made it a big issue, and a big hot topic and I was, you know, he was adamant about defending himself on that and never once did I speak a bad word about Brian. They had me in interviews and they're like, He's not gay, but everybody thought he was. Brian and myself were the only two the exceptions to the rule. So I'd tried be a good guy for everybody. I think I got out right before it got ugly."

Yeah. Until now.

It's bad enough to out someone on national television. To "accuse" someone who claims not to be on--especially by pretending to defend him--yow. How low can you get?

It's no insult to me, but I'm quite sure it is in Blake's world. Still the most damaging epithet you can slap a guy with in many circles. It's disgusting to do that to Brian, and more disgusting to gay people to use the "charge" as an insult.

Blake mentioned watching the show every Thursday night, and knew damn well the producers had chosen not to air any of those "allegations." So he knew it had probably never crossed the minds of most straight people in the country, and how easy to point it out for them. And if they did already suspect, he was all to eager to provide the compelling evidence that everyone there--other than Mr. Integrity, of course--thought it was true.

Playing the gay card. I keep forgetting we're not past that.

And Harry Smith, of course, said nothing about the slimy slam.

Hey. You might have noticed I'm rarely here during the week these days.

Yes, by design. Trying to keep my focus entirely on my book during the week. Hence the big one-day bursts on Saturdays and Sundays. So look for me then. (Or on Mondays when you get back to trolling the web at the office, while your boss is away. heeheehee.)

OK, better try that bigger:

LOOK FOR ME MOSTLY ON THE WEEKENDS UNTIL THIS BOOK IS DONE!

Occasionally I may stop by in an evening, if I've had a great day and deserve an indulgence, or maybe once in awhile for a quickie. (Like just now. I figured since I was here to let you know this, I could pound out a quick reaction to the Housewives.)

But hopefully you'll see a lot of self-control.

See you Saturday.

Survivor Survivor Survivor . . .

The incredible shrinking cultural phenomenon. Remember when just the mention of that word set us shivering in anticipation. Some of us, anyway.

Yes, of course I'll be watching tonight--even though it means bumping The OC, which got really stale really fast, by the way, hopefully only a temporary condition--but it's nothing like the old glory days, is it?

Too bad they never got around to fixing this game.

Still, it's always good for a few fresh psychological insights. And it will always be special.

---

Update:

So here's a little question on overwriting. You think that second line of this post--"The incredible shrinking cultural phenomenon"--was overkill?

Explaining the obvious, or illuminating the ambiguous?

Sometimes I really wonder.

Some days, it's just so embarassing to be a homo.

I was talking about Ian's failure of self-confidence in the Survivor finale two posts back. There's a guy with almost enough self-respect, just falling a hair short in the final momnet of crisis. Coby is just a walking example of twisted self-loathing world-loathing, sef-destruction. He is so bitter and jaded toward the world he just rips apart any shred of decency he finds anywhere, thereby making a total ass of himself and fullfilling his prophecy that the world hates him.

What the hell was that preposterous speech about Tom's lack of integrity, and then the one dissenting vote for Katie claiming he her no honesty? Easy. Jealous.

Only explanation I can dig up anywhere for Coby's behavior: Tom is every bit the man Coby wishes he were, in body and character. Tom gets all the respect and admiration Coby dreams himself to sleep every night desiring it. Coby gets none of it. So he can't bear the sight of Tom.

God, is that unsightly to watch.

And while gayboys everywhere obviously shouldn't be tarred with the brush of one bitter queen, man, it's hard to separate it. It's so clear where his self-loathing originates. He knew he was different growing up, he knew he would be outcast if he admitted it, or probably even if he didn't.

It's a damaging experience, no doubt about that. Very few grown gay men come through it without deep, often debilitating scars. But God. You can face it, try to overcome it and deal with it constructively or you live your entire life digging yourself in deeper.

Picture the man you want to be and strive to become him, for God's sake. And you know something, Coby: when you find the men you want to emulate, you'd be surprised, if he really is a guy worth admiring, you can bet he'd be eager to help you. Plenty of Toms out there in the world would be happy to take you under their wing and undo some of that damage. They don't think it's right, what you went through, and they want to see you succeed. But man. Not like this.

Wow. Two cautionary tales in one night.

A deserving Survivor winner.

How long has it been since anyone has said that?

Nice to see this show wrap with a satisfying conclusion.

Tom was a great player and deserved every bit of it.

Would have been a bit more interesting it the final wasn't against someone so pathetic, but Katie's self-immolation before the jury was kind of entertaining to watch.

And great to see everyone do the right thing and the easiest vote since the show's inception. Almost everyone.

A man too needy enough to be amazed at the idea of owning his own his car gave up a million dollar tonight because lost faith in his own sense of self worth.

(I do believe Ian would have won that challenge, could have booted Tom in good faith and creamed Katie in the finals.)

Ian. Ian Ian Ian.

They would have forgiven you, buddy. It is just a game. You were supposed to play off everyone against each other.

Tom was just angry for a day or two because you almost played him--or considered the possibility of playing him. And Katie played you far more than you ever thought about playing her.

I respect you so much for caring what other people think of you, for wanting desperately to do the right thing and to win their respect.

But with out getting too Oprah on you, dude, the only one whose respect that ultimately matters is your own. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. In your heart, you know that. By now, months later, I'm sure you already know it--though I predict tonight on the reunion, you'll say you're glad you made the decision. Of course you will. (I'm 80 minutes into the show, by the way. The minute I saw Ian booted I had to come to the PC to write this.)

The sad part, the first really tragic thing I've seen on the show this season, is watching someone I like so very much sacrifice something so important to him--the success you would have beamed about your entire life, and the million dollars that would have changed it--because he can't take ownership of his own self-respect, has to look to others to prove he's good enough.

You just purchased your self-respect for one million dollars. Or tried to. But the joke's on you, obviously, because it's not in their possession to grant you.

Painful.

Now here's the part that makes me really curious. How many regular readers are shaking their heads right now wondering if I know why I find it so intensely painful? Sometimes you guys know this stuff about me before I do. But not this time.

That's me out there. That mess with my family this week? Same thing. Most of my struggles with my writing? Same. Friendship problems, boyfriend problems, usually the same damn thing.

I know when I'm right, when I'm satisfied I've tried hard enough, authentically enough, and done the right thing. But I can't sleep nights without everyone else in my life telling me it's good enough.

And I mean everyone, or damn near it. Pitiful, really. Ninety percent of the crowd can be right behind me, but I literally toss and turn in bed at night whining myself away from sleep over that last ten percent.

I have known that for quite awhile. Sometimes I put a little effort into changing it, although of all the challenges I've faced in my life, that one feels about the hardest to get my arms around. Jarring to watch someone else play out the same hand, though. In such striking terms, in such a concentrated situation, with so much at stake, and let's face it, so little to gain. This isn't his girlfriend on the line, or his children, or the family he grew up with, or his best friend since college. These are people he first met a month ago. On a game show where his entire purpose there as well as theirs was to act this way. Could a brilliant novelist devise a situation more preposterous for a character to put his self-respect out for bid?

I'm trying to burn this scenario into my brain so I'll have it there to chuckle at when I find myself making a fruitless plea half that ridiculous.

Survivor as cautionary tale.

Have I mentioned how I adore this show?

The women. Survivor women just can't ever ever ever stick together.

Even the jury was disgusted.

Though for once, I was happy to see them fold.

Would be so nice to see a deserving winner on this show after so much time.

Assuming Burnett is tossing us his usual fake with the preview, Ian, Tom and Katie would all be crazy to break ranks, now, and I doubt Jen is going to win immunity. That puts one of those guys in the finals, and the vote should be close to unanimous--particularly if he's with that pathetic oaf Katie.

What kind of spell she's got over Ian, that's the real mystery. Has he really had that horrible luck with women? When he alludes to difficulties with her being "just like girl trouble back home," I just wince. Poor guy. Can't believe anyone with a body or personality could love him.

And when he said he'd never been able to afford a car before, I nearly cried. Would be wonderful to see him win. Especially since he played the game so incredibly well.

Except for that move pulling Tom in to join him on the reward. What! It drives me nuts the way these people never figure out who to bring, never realize they have to talk to their allies and agree not to bring each other, both to disavow the alliance and to position a spy in both camps.

How thrilling to finally see a pair of contenders figure this out, voice it completely, grasp the game at a level few of their peers or predecessors ever have, and then . . . not execute. Crazy.

And it nearly cost them everything. May still, if Katie really bolts against Tom. (Which would be idiotic for Ian, because they'll immediately turn on him. But the fact that Burnett suggested it in the preview is the best possible evidence it doesn't work out that way.)

And it was pleasing to see Caryn, one of the worst contestants ever to barely play the game ousted, unanimously. And then hear her give perhaps the most preposterous boot-out whines ever: "Everyone's been very deceptive . . ."

Good lord. What show did she think she was on?

Anyone can act a little insane moments after the heave ho, but months later, she was still bitching about it on The Early Show. First words out of her mouth, how angry she still is: people were scheming all over the place!

Piece of work.