Governor Cashmore's Diary

With friends like these

Tue, 05 Nov 2002 14:53:12 GMT

I just don't get it. Sharon asks us to take out Iraq for him. We go all out stoking up the blood lust for a war and before we even get it started Sharon is already asking us to start another against Iran.

I just hope that Safire and Co can keep this out of the papers, last thing we want is for our base to start asking questions about who the war is intended to benefit.

Keeping the wrong sort of voters at home

Tue, 05 Nov 2002 01:43:31 GMT

Fred from Baltimore sent me a copy of the flyer they have been sending out in the black areas:

Come out to vote on November 6th

Before you come to vote make sure you pay your:

Parking tickets
Motor vehicle tickets
Overdue rent
AND MOST IMPORTANT ANY WARRANTS

The old ones are certainly the good ones.

NYC got Nothing

Tue, 05 Nov 2002 01:03:26 GMT

Spoke to Bill. So it turns out that NYC did not get the Olympics after all. Apparently there is some UN committee or something that makes the actual decision and that NYC is just the US nomination, to compete against our plucky allies in Britain(London), and Mpwthe Bingobongoland

Which pretty much settles it for Mpwthe since W seems to have everyone in the world apart from our plucky allies in Britain looking for any excuse to stick one in our eye. Even Blair will have to have his guy vote for London, no matter what.

Bill points out that on top of all that the Olympic committee may well harbor a grudge after we bribed them all right royally to get the Winter Olympics out in Mormon country then put their bigwigs on trial in the Senate, blaming them for accepting our bribes.

NYC got the Olympics

Mon, 04 Nov 2002 23:57:01 GMT

Of course they should have lying and hypocrisy as an Olympic sport. We could sweep the medals every year. Take Chattering Coleman for example, after spending how many months calling Wellstone a naive tree-hugger plotting to sell the country out to Iraq he has had to spend the past week pretending that he was his best friend on earth.

Today's debate was a real humbugfest. Coleman apparently forgot whose side he is on and started attacking Mondale for being on corporate boards. I guess it is an attempt to get the tree huggers to waste their votes on the green. But might have had a bit more of an effect if he hadn't also been attacking the guy for being in the pockets of the liberal special interests the tree huggers love at the same time.

Its the Pitts

Sat, 02 Nov 2002 14:28:51 GMT

Man, is there no limits to the man's incompetence? One would think that as the rich people's party the powers that be would realise whose money is being stolen here.

One can only think that the Harken and Halliburton stuff really needs the lid kept on it.

Microsoft

Sat, 02 Nov 2002 14:19:44 GMT

Damned court let Microsoft off the hook. So that means one less contributor next time round. Perhaps we could start an investigation of some other computer companies who have failled to 'play a social role'. I can't remember getting a check from Sun or Apple.

Of course the original judge messed the case up good and proper for everyone, and not for the first time. I wonder if Penfold Jackson is a relation of Jackass Jackson, my opponent?

CamPAIN trail

Sat, 02 Nov 2002 14:14:51 GMT

Maybe I'm getting to old for this, hang on I'm not yet 40. But the campaign trail would wear down anyone. Up at six, meet, greet, move and shake for 18 hours then start over the next day. And for what? If you have a 2 minute conversation with each person thats 30 people an hour, 560 in a day, not counting the time it takes to travel.

So instead of talking to the voters you talk to the real electors, the ones that vote with their wallets. So instead of 560 votes you get 560 checks which translate into perhaps 500 votes each - 25,000 votes! Now we are talking.

Yesterday we did five receptions, Daisy and Mary worked it all perfectly. Taking me to all the right people, giving me their names and bios so I could immediately greet them by name with an apposite comment and a smile. They worked in pairs so that one would introduce me to some people, then after the 3 minutes had expired the other would come to take me to someone else. Daisy is great, she can remember people I have already met, and where I met them. That counts for a lot, what these people is after is status and recognition. They want to be able to go back home and say they have met, better are a friend of the governor. This thing is much easier when you realise that they don't want issues, they want importance.

Called Bill

Sun, 27 Oct 2002 03:02:46 GMT

Gave Bill a call, had to get the latest scoop from the UK. Looks like our loyal aly and stalwart defender of the free world from Socialism Tony Blair is likely to get the chop if he tries to help invade Iraq. So despite all the visits to Washington, support at the UN and such all their support means is that they will 'allow' us to use our base at Diego Garcia which we have occupied since WW II and would have used with or without their permission.

More salacious gossip emerges concerning the bedroom antics of the previous government. Turns out that Johnny Major, who held the fort after Thatcher until Blair took over, was spending afternoons doing horizontal jogging with another minister. Everyone is amazed because he was the grey man who was so boring he ran away from a circus to become an accountant. Running on a morality ticket was the give-away of course. The wags there are saying that it was 'back to base-six', not back to basics. By all accounts it was a pretty carnal cabinet, as Bill put it "four ministers defenestrated for being caught performing extra-curricular activities with the old trouser sausage".

How on earth?

Sun, 27 Oct 2002 02:38:38 GMT

How on earth did he get there? Oh yes I remember, daddy was President. Just shows how in a classless society like ours you can get anywhere, even become President without passing any classes. Just watched him throwing out red meat to the faithful like an old trooper, those horrid Democrats in the Senate, how can they be so partisan?

Fortunately the media are so cowed they don't even point out the obvious hypocrisy. It's like playing basketball with a hoop to shoot at the size of a dinner table, the poor Dem's hoop is smaller than their ball. Fortunately these days most are on our side and those that are not are scared stiff of being bulled by Coulter and co. I really must have her round to the Governor's mansion when I get there, I am certain she is game.

It will be a dull day on the talking head circuit tommorrow. Wellstone obituaries and the beltway sniper. Fortunately this has cleared away all those awkward questions about why we are going to invade Iraq because it might be building a bomb despite denials while we are not going to invade North Korea who can't afford a bomb but have told us they are building one.

Exercise

Sat, 26 Oct 2002 17:04:45 GMT

With campaigning suspended for the weekend took time for some exercise with Tina, who has been working on the campaign on weekend breaks from college. She had heard about the office closing but had come down "to see if I can help in any way". And did she ever, in two positions.

Afterwards I wrote an address on the need to preserve familly values. After all who knows more about familly values than someone who has more than one?

Spin glorious spin

Sat, 26 Oct 2002 15:29:46 GMT

There is nothing so heartwarming as to see a public official desperately trying to defend the indefensible.

"There was nothing he told us three months ago or last night that would lead us to believe Mr. Muhammad or Mr. Malvo would have the kind of future that led them to where they are today,"

This after the FBI are told that Muhammad is looking for a way to fix a silencer to a sniper rifle to 'go and shoot cops'. One has to wonder how long it is going to be before the press wise up to the fact that the drop in the crime figures has nothing to do with our policy of locking as many people up as we possibly can and has everything to do with demographics. When the teen to mid 20s population starts to rise again everything will go into reverse.

Probably time to make a prophetic claim about how the current success in crime fighting will be undermined in future years as those do-good liberals get their way with 'reform'.

One has to wonder why Wayne and Chucky Heston get their pants all up in a twist over federal databases when the FBI can't even get their act together when told that someone is going out to kill cops. Still should give the boys a call and tell them that I sympathise, might be good for a bung from one of their PACs. Best time for it since I won't be expected to campaign with any of their crazed fruitcakes in return. If they send $10K my way and it all goes on advertising that would make Stuart's share what $500? That's two hours with Linda or another contribution to the retirement fund.

Wellstone

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 23:40:01 GMT

News just came through that Wellstone was killed today. Put on my black suit and tie, put out a deepest condolences PR and shut the office. Last thing I need is some loose lipped staffer saying anything they should not. With luck we can avoid talking about anything else till Monday - thus depriving Jackass of a weekend of campaigning.

Of course the first thing everyone is talking about is how this affects chances of retaking the Senate. I can't see that it will help. The Dems will do what they did in New Jersey, parachute in a heavy hitter. Meanwhile their base will be much more likely to come out in other areas to prevent this affecting control of the Senate. Fortunately that won't matter here since there is no senate race this year.

If I were the paranoid type I would be asking what the chances are of this happening twice to Democrats running in tight senate races. As a social realist I instead ask 'how do I get in with the organizers?'.

Well Duhh

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 03:50:25 GMT

The AP are just putting out the astonishing story that the prosecutors might just possibly seek the big D for the beltway snipers. I mean well duhh!

The snipers had it all wrong, they should have got themselves elected govenor, then they could have had their sport all straight and legal and done it from the comfort of their office.

Fortunately I'm not facing the problem Jimmy Ryan has in Chicago with incumbent George Ryan looking set to give clemency to all 158 prisoners currently on death row. That would pretty much mean that Ryan has no chance of getting any sort of body count going until his second term if he can get one. To add insult to injury half the voters think George and Jimmy are somehow related and that Jimmy might have been involved in George's driving license sale scam.

But for this last minute clemency thing Jimmy might have been in with a chance of topping W's record for 'topping' people. As it is he will be hard pushed to beat the snipers.

Two weeks and I'm Governor

Fri, 25 Oct 2002 03:01:16 GMT

In two weeks time the Tribune will be reporting my victory in the Governor's election. Unless of course the polls lie or Jackass can get his vote out. The first is possible, after all if Kenny-boy Lay and Martha Stewart can turn out to be liars then I guess we have to accept the possibility that John Zogby is just stringing us all along. I mean the economy is in the toilet, the stock market has tanked, we are about to start a war and we are led by President Harken and Vice President Halliburton, but the polls tell us that far from getting our ass handed to us on a plate with a sprig of parsley we may get the Senate back. I am not one to complain at such a stroke of fortune, but one has to wonder if come election day the voters are going to do to our percentage of the vote what we did to their 401Ks.

The real issue is turnout. A ten point lead is a ten point lead, unless that is the other guy can get ten percent more of his base to go down to the polling station and vote, or more likely get ten percent of your vote to stay at home and watch the reruns of Seinfeld instead.

In Florida they still keep the other guy's vote from getting to the polls with some well placed police roadblocks and taking their voters of the electoral roll. Out here we use electoral science and attack ads. What these new methods lack in satisfaction they make up for in effectiveness.

Electoral science is the key, in the past you just promised anything to everyone. These days you just work on getting 51% on your side, 51% at the polls that is. You don't have to promise anything to young people, they don't vote and if they do they vote for a libertarian looney promising to abolish the position she is running for or a tree hugger promising to replace the govenors limo with a bicycle.