In the Emergency Department we get used to seeing people who want to get legally high. They're a lot easier to spot than they think they are.

"Any allergies?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm allergic to tylenol, motrin, alleve, darvocet, toradol and codeine."

BRACK!!! (the sound of a horn) Wrong answer!

"Demerol's the only thing that helps my pain."

Then you ain't getting no help tonight, son.

He's lying on the bed, writhing. ''Oh Jesus, Oh Christ. Ow Ow Ow!"

"What happened?"

"I was exercising and I twisted my back wrong"

So we ask him where the pain is, where it goes, what makes it worse, what does it feel like and the answers just don't add up. Then he mentions that he ran out of his oxycontin yesterday. (RED LIGHT!!) Oxy being a major drug of abuse and really only used on major, chronic pain. Diagnosis: turkey.

"Uh, I accidently dropped my prescription for Demerol down the toilet (actually heard on several occasions)."

Tough shit. If you're really so stupid as to hold your pill bottle over the toilet upside down, you deserve pain.

"I lost my prescription"

If you really so stupid as to etc., etc.

"I'm from out of town and I blah, blah, blah"

So we pick up the phone, call your hometown physician or pharmacy and check. If you didn't blah, blah, blah, you ain't getting shit.

The problem with all the scammers is they make it difficult for real people with real pain. But people with real pain tend not to demand specific meds, they're grateful for anything that works. And we're grateful for the opportunity to help them feel better.

The take-home? If you have pain, tell us. If you think you can scam us, know that we've heard almost everything already. And for those scammers that get over on the ED, At least they get rewarded for coming up with a unique, believable story. Again, at least in some areas, creativity pays.
8:42:27 AM    Comments?()