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Thursday, January 6, 2005

Kit has decided that being from Ohio is not the worst possible fate, despite its red state status. Despite having a generally homophobic populace, there are other things to recommend it. However, she writes that there are a couple points still to be discussed:

"Point one: We call ourselves the Buckeye State, despite the fact that, subpoint a) We are not the only state in which the buckeye nuts grow, not the first state to have grown buckeyes, and not a state in which buckeyes grow more prominently than any other state; subpoint b) through years of contemplation and research, no one has ever found a use for the buckeye (which, despite its being a nut, cannot be eaten), other than that they are very hard and can be thrown, but even that is debatable, as buckeyes are wonky in shape, and not superiorly aerodynamic; and subpoint c) that, as if being a useless and entirely unspecial nut wasn't bad enough, the buckeye is also poisonous and therefore not exactly something to crow about having in one's yard.

"Point two: We also say that we are the "birthplace of aviation", which is wordsmithing for the fact that Orville and Wilbur Wright were born in our wee state and we have a death grip on anyone born here who did something extraordinary, even though they skipped town to do their actual inventing, taking the love to Kittyhawk, North Carolina. That fact alone must have shown the brothers' desperation to get away from Ohio, scrambling to take any bus ticket available at their time of departure. (Kidding, y'all.) This is proof that what happens at birth does not always have a dramatic effect on the child... you could name your baby Buck Lance, that doesn't mean he'll absolutely be a porn star. Ohio got lucky when Mr. and Mrs. Wright decided to park their bottoms here to squeeze out a couple of crib lizards, otherwise we'd be stuck with just the buckeyes.

"Point three: Ohio, home of tolerance and love, is since the pathetic excuse for an election now one of the states that has outlawed gay marriage, claiming that such a thing will destroy the sanctified state of matrimony, even though subpoint a) bubbah, matrimony be broke, and you ain't gonna fix it by excluding people who just want to get in on the love; subpoint b) it wasn't a bunch of marriage-desiring, cake-eating gay folk who deteriorated the sanctity of marriage, it was all those law-abiding, childbearing, sodomy-denying heterosexuals who, despite their God-fearing refusal to take it in the exit door, simply couldn't follow the good reverend Al Green's advice and stay together; subpoint c) even before divorce and shag highway started getting out of hand, if we took a closer look at old-fashioned matrimony, we'd find just as many miserable couples if not more, people who would have really benefited from a divorce. . . "

There's more at Groovacity, right here.

8:21:29 AM

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