A little rant inspired by Ralph Wiley's "Legends or Frauds?" column on Friday...
- Michael Jordan? Fraud. ESPN's Athlete of the Century? He's not even one of the top five players ever in his own SPORT. Sure, he is (I mean WAS) a great individual player, capable of scoring in bunches on anyone. But a team player? Not even close. Read "The Jordan Rules" and see the disdain he shoots toward his "supporting cast." Then take a look at his six manufactured NBA titles. Did ANY of them come against a great team? Not even close. Jordan beat the past-their-prime Lakers; the "we drafted Sam Bowie instead of you" Blazers, the "Barkley and 12 other small forwards" Suns, the "insert Shawn Kemp joke here" Sonics, and the geriatric, destined-to-never-win-shit Jazz. Five teams, not a true center among them (rookie Vlade wasn't current Vlade), and not a single team that would have even sniffed the Finals in the '80s. What happened when MJ had to play the old Celtics? Swept twice. Pistons (who stretch the bounds of "great")? Squeaked past them after failing miserably twice. Jordan never won crap in the pre-expansion NBA, and his accomplishments, watered down by league mediocrity and overhyped by SportsCenter, are not nearly what they appear to be at first glance. One of the greats of our era? Sure. But the best ever? Not by a long shot. Besides, look at him now.
- Elvis Presley? Fraud. "The King" was a shameless ripoff of the black artists of his day, but since he was white, he got large. It's funny, too, considering so many fans of a man who pirated black culture are out-and-out Dixie racists. If Elvis was black, he'd be mentioned in the same breath with Chuck Berry. Instead, he's in the running with Dale Earnhardt for the title of Redneck Jesus. This is not the same as Eminem, who shows infinite respect to the black pioneers of his genre and overcame stereotypes within that genre based on incredible skill. Elvis is, for lack of a better comparison, Vanilla Ice. The public just bought it for a much longer time.
- Princess Diana? Fraud. She dies the same week as Mother Teresa, and the press covers who? Our generation's most prominent gold-digger. Never has someone become so famous just by marrying into the right family. It's really sad that nuptials can make you a worldwide icon.
- George W. Bush? Fraud. If you've ever read this blog before, I don't need to explain myself further. Quite simply, the most underqualified jobholder in the history of this nation.
- Dale Earnhardt? Fraud. Let's not act like the man died saving lives, folks. He died in a car crash. We all know someone else who has, but we don't have that person's car number on our bumper. Get some perspective. As my man Sweets said, "a better driver would still be alive." I'm going to hell for laughing at that, but his fans should go to hell for treating him like a saint.
- Mike Tyson? Fraud. The most overrated boxer ever. He got over in the early years with the whole Clubber Lang bully act, then lost his lunch money to Buster Douglas and couldn't beat a credible fighter from that day on. Holyfield made him look stupid -- twice -- and Mike's been making himself look stupid for the rest of the last decade and a half.
- Kobe Bryant? Fraud. 3-9 without Shaq. 47 shots to score 41. As someone wise called him, the "Karaoke Jordan." And we've already shown where HE stands.
- Homer Simpson? Legend. Just because we have to have one.
- James Dean? Fraud. Name TWO movies. I dare you. He's the poor man's Luke Perry, except back then, they didn't know that yet. The current inhabitants of earth have no excuse not to know better.
- Joe Torre? Fraud. A loser everywhere else he went, and all of a sudden he's a genius now? No. Take a look in the dugout sometime -- there's a 40 percent chance that he's asleep. Good at massaging egos? Yes. But he's been a big beneficiary of the most talented roster in baseball for the last seven years. Nice guy? I'm sure. One of the all-time great managers? I can name 10 right NOW that I'd take first, starting with the New Guy in San Fran.
- Kurt Warner? Fraud. Not even the best player named Warner in Rams history (former Seattle badass Curt Warner, whose would-be legendary career was curt-ailed by injuries, finished his career in LA). And Rams history ain't THAT distinguished anyway.
- Arsenio Hall? Fraud. "Eddie Murphy's coattails aren't moving now? I'll grab Magic's." (Actually, scratch this. No one ever said Arsenio was a legend. I hope.)
- Marilyn Monroe? Fraud. And clearly, she couldn't live with herself being called a legend. Guilty conscience wins again...
- Marilyn Manson? Legend. Probably should be, anyway. Smart cookie.
- Charles Manson? Fraud. Who'd he ever kill, anyway?
- Jeffrey Dahmer? Legend. Who DIDN'T he kill? (Note to readers: don't rent "Dahmer." Ever. Unless you NEED to go three days without sleeping.)
This weblog? Clearly a fraud. Have a nice day.
-- O
5:46:52 AM 
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