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| Foreign
Affairs
The
Rat ponders the coming war
Britain
admits it plagiarized UN report from homework of 11-year-old California girl
Bush's
attempt to show Iraq's "smoking gun" during State of the Union address
goes horribly wrong
Rumsfeld
terrifies Europeans by saying, "the center of gravity in Europe is shifting
East"; millions of French & Germans desperately glue valuables to the
floor
Oregon
real estate agent offers to help Saddam relocate
Bush
declares war on UN weapons inspectors
Rumsfeld
says lack of evidence on Iraq is evidence in and of itself
Bush
cites Iraqis for poor grammar in weapons declaration
Raelian
cult claims North Korean leader is clone of Bush
Bush
administration announces Santa Claus to support attack on Iraq
Bush
misinterprets UN map of falafel stands
The
Mother of all Quotients
More
Iraq Stories...
National
Security
Total Information Awareness Snapshot of the Day: Glenda the Bear
Ashcroft
declares ancient redwoods to be terrorists
Dick
Cheney caught skipping commercials with TIVO
Economy
Bush says tax cut necessary to "heal a dividended nation"
Bush: "Those of you with class have no right to make fun of those of us who
have none"
Worldcom inflated earnings to consume all available space in the universe within
ten days
Politics
Interview
with Ron the Echinoderm, Bush Administration policy analyst
Geraldo discovers hundreds of Democratic lawmakers in underground vault
John Ashcroft accused of persecuting Sea Hares for sexual practices
Bush vows to end affirmative action for white males
New Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist chased by headless laboratory cats, nearly
crushed by falling cow
Interview with Tippy the Libertarian Cow
The
Nancy Pelosi Female Glances of Doom
Henry
Kissinger fires himself after watching reruns of "Dr. Phil", overthrows
Salvation Army, declares war on mall Santas
Trent
Lott eaten by snake
Bush
proposes reverse paychecks for Federal employees
Behind
the Bush poll numbers
Where
the heck is Ralph Nader?
Bio
of Snuffy the Cat
Janet the Snake
Janet
the Snake defends tax cuts for the rich
Janet
the Snake defends Harvey Pitt
Janet
the Snake gloats about the election
Intro
to Janet the Snake
Janet's
original weblog
Misc.
Guest
Correspondent: Bitey the Dog
The
Rat rants about the pet psychic
Rat
Porn
Eye
of Sauron caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart
Stanford
scientists deny cloning humans
The
Insane Turkey Saga
Duplication
& Multiplication of Chickens Act (DMCA)
Disturbing
interview with Keiko the Killer Whale
Full
archives
|
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Tuesday, November 05, 2002 |
RODENT PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING
Snakes, cats and raptors are reportedly roaming the streets of America to celebrate their wins in the national elections. Rodents are advised to stay indoors and not to answer knocks, scratches, or taps on the door. This situation is expected to continue through next week.
REMEMBER: Even a drunk feline is dangerous. Cute, but dangerous.
11:42:23 PM 
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Worldcom inflated earnings to consume
all available space in the universe within ten days
I must interrupt today's election to bring you terrible news: it appears that the ever-increasing inflated earnings of a certain feline-run corporation known as Worldcom will soon have disastrous results for inhabitants of our universe. I've spoken to Millicent the Rat, Professor of Weird Crap We Can't Explain, at Stanford University, and she could barely contain her fear and concern. "At first we thought, this won't affect anything, because inflated earnings aren't technically real--but then we discovered that at a certain size (currently 9 billion dollars), imaginary money spontaneously transforms into horse manure."
This shocking revelation quickly spread through the rodent science community and panic has ensued. Human scientists, predictably asleep at the switch, have yet to realize the magnitude of the problem. Millicent has no advice: "There is nothing you can do about that much shit."
4:24:03 PM
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