Wednesday, November 06, 2002

A predatory feast at the polls It wasn't pretty last night, I know. Somewhere around three o'clock in the morning I snuggled up in my nest, hoping my hamster friends would manage to sneak in a few extra votes by morning. Alas, not the case (this might have had something to do with the finals of the WHWF, or World Hamster Wrestling Federation, which took place last night. A big congrats to Tuffynose the Hamster).  From my server logs I know that the majority of my readers are not American, and I can only imagine what you all think of American politics. But what's done is done. The American people, led by that most gullible of species, humans, have spoken. The prudent rodent, therefore, must prepare for the consequences. The predators will move quickly to advance their agenda. As has been recently reported, feline members of Congress, influenced by Karl Rove the Cat, plan to pass a bill authorizing National Cat Appreciation Day, which will be set for election day. All citizens will be required to demonstrate their appreciation for cats prior to voting. Obviously, we must mobilize our forces, however meager, to oppose this bill. If it passes, all rodents must refuse to follow the law and openly mock cats on election day instead. The second major legislative priority for the predators will be accelerating the PTC (Predatory Tax Credit). This law, originally passed last spring with the help of some bought-off human senators, gives each predator a tax credit for every rodent he consumes. Obviously, I did not like this bill.  The very idea of Janet the Snake getting a tax credit for consuming her poor, innocent typist makes me physically ill. In addition, the PTC is expected to undermine America's influence and power, as it will take money from foreign aid budgets and directly result in a cut in pay for the hamsters who spin the Wheels of Government. This is a tad ironic, considering that said cut in pay will cause the hamsters to afford less food, which in turn will make them less plump from the predator's perspective. The third and most important legislative priority for predators in Congress is to fill the federal judiciary with snakes. Snakes have long allowed felines to take the lead, mainly because of humans' love of their fuzziness. But the snakes have a very specific agenda: to get as many of their kind appointed to federal judgeships as possible. Snakes particularly like judicial work, because they get to wear a robe and can use their tails to bang the gavel. I am told it helps to be a snake when appreciating this.  Snakes plan to use their newfound power to strike down all laws protecting rodents and small human children. I am also told they plan to uphold any lawsuit that requires amusement park rides to be snake compatible. Predators hope to appoint younger snakes, so as to take advantage of the lifetime appointment system and stack the government with slithering vipers for years to come. Time to do some soul-searching, rodents.  What could we have done to prevent this?  The Green Party, which puts forward totally unqualified candidates, none of which has the intellectual depth of a toilet bowl, clearly isn't the answer. Time to throw caution to the wind.  Take off your human suits, rodents of the United States Senate and House of Representatives. Reveal your true colors. Show the world who you really are. Stop caring whether or not squeamish humans can handle the truth. Give them the truth. Tell them what they need to know, not what the want to hear.  Scamper through every town and city and remind humans that if they want good schools, a strong economy, and influence over the world's events, they have to be willing to pay for it, and that the world's most powerful country can't be run like, oh, say, WorldCom. Or Enron. Or--you get the picture. 3:26:18 PM