Convergence: feline economics meets the coming war
Headline that doesn't help America's insensitive image abroad:
Will a war kill our stocks? 
Of course the irony is that our stocks are already dead. So, dear felines at Fortune Magazine, the answer is: nope. You already took care of that when you and your ilk recommended (insert telecommunications company here) to (insert name of vulnerable non-billionaire rodent or human here) and then pretended you didn't when it all went bad like week-old kitty litter.
There is, I think, a connection between this coming war and feline economics. Just to review, feline economics is based on the idea that anything not of benefit to cats is outside the economic system, and therefore irrelevent. In Iraq, our feline-dominated administration sees opportunities for plunder and profit. The possibility of greater regional destabilization, while annoying, is not seen as a problem--because such destabilization will inevitably lead to higher defense spending by America, Turkey, Israel, Jordan and other countries considered allies of the United States. As cats (and not a few snakes) control the defense industry, the state of Feline Equilibrium is satisfied (the state in which cats are happy and generally well-thought-of).
It must be acknowledged, however, that this strategy does carry a gamble for the felines. If the US army, which is mostly dominated by humans and a few rodents, does its job well, and if the Iraqis prove more cooperative than some might believe, the invasion of Iraq could actually WORK.
In other words, a lovely democracy on the Tigris, plenty of hotels for the tourists, and the beginning of a domino effect that could quickly spread democracy to Iran as well as some Arab states. More stability in the Middle East = less money for feline arms dealers. If the transition goes especially well, Iraqis may be in a position to prevent the crass exploitation of their oil fields by American interests. Less money for feline oil sheiks.
Where would our cat friends be then? The momentary triumph will be sweet for them, just as at the end of the Cold War, but as time drags on, the felines will grow restless again. They are violent creatures, after all. Without an adversary at which to direct the full spirit of their hissyfits, our feline friends will be lost. Everything about who they are is based on the idea that they are at the top of the food chain. They are incapable of living side by side, as equals, with the rest of us, no matter what we do for them--no matter how many tax breaks we give them, no matter how many free cans of Fancy Feast we send their way. One can never sufficiently bribe a cat.
Here's food for thought: it's fine to stand up against this "adventure", as our German friends call it, since the timing is ill advised and it distracts from the fight against terrorism. But once the adventure begins, rodents and humans should jump in and rewrite the story to our advantage. That means making Iraq an especially nice place to live, complete with giant tube structures through Baghdad to satisfy the needs of hamsters.
2:03:12 PM 
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Total Information Awareness Snapshot of the Day: Glenda the Bear
