Newton's laws of physics stolen by cats
Terrible news out of Russia today: it appears Isaac Newton's Principia, the book in which he writes some of the basic laws of physics, has been stolen by felines from its place of honor in a Russian museum.
Now, supposedly there are 200 other surviving copies of Principia, but they are all very carefully tracked. Rodent physicists believe that if the manuscripts are modified in any way, the stability of the universe could threatened. I interviewed Spreckels the Rat at Stanford University this morning to get the scoop, and this is what he had to say:
"We are very concerned, Pesky, yes, very concerned. A Principia manuscript was stolen once before by a very fat human, and earth's gravitational pull changed by over 21% before the book was recovered and restored to its original condition. It is believed the human wanted to lose weight. Our fear this time is that the abduction was carried out by cats, who have long desired to create a perpetual cat-feeding machine. Of course, any time these laws are modified all hell breaks loose. We recommend everyone tie down their valuables and not drive very fast."
Evidence of the cats involvement comes from the red velvet curtains in the museum, which were shredded, cat style. Cats have a weakness for such things, and as a result, museums around the world have installed long, tempting curtains to help establish culpability when thefts take place. No cat can leave a room full of such curtains intact.
11:20:13 AM 
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