Tom DeLay the Cat reveals actual Republican agenda at secret cat convention
This just in from my Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose. Lumpy, who has recently been as close as THREE FEET to House Majority Leader Tom DeLay the Cat, managed to secure a copy of the Feline Manifesto, the document Washington's feline ruling class plans to implement over the next two years.
The Feline  Manifesto
Article One:
The Cat is the supreme manifestation of all living things. The Cat has no equal. The Cat is fluffy and cute and is entitled to endless supplies of sparkly dangly things. Therefore, the cat will not tolerate a shortage of sparkly dangly things. The Cat may use any means necessary to restore a reliable supply of sparkly dangly things if said supply is endangered by creatures who do not properly appreciate the importance of sparkly dangly things.
Article Two:
The Cat enjoys supplementing his or her diet by eating large quantities of rodents. Rodents are annoying and read too much. Therefore, all legal protections for rodents should be eliminated and rodents should willingly offer themselves to The Cat as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or, in Commonwealth countries, tea.
Article Three:
All veternarians who perform operations on the sensitive parts of The Cat shall be banished from America's shores forever.
Article Four:
All canines are required to register with the Feline Bureau of Intimidation immediately. Failure to register will result in fugitive status and being chased by Tommy Lee Jones over the side of the Hoover Dam. The Cat will enjoy this immensly.
Article Five:
Any rodents with the gall to speak out, or write a political weblog, will be fricaseed with favah beans. The Cat is not concerned about the spelling of the word "fricaseed".
Lumpy believes there are more articles, and is hard at work sneaking around Washington to find the rest. In the meantime, I have enlisted the protection of six Peruvian capybaras.
2:49:43 PM 
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