Friday, November 15, 2002

Bush to outsource half of federal government to Feline contractors Knight-Ridder reports today that the half-cat president is aggressively moving ahead with his dream of outsourcing and therefore basically dismantling the entire federal government.  Bush is apparently planning on outsourcing a full 50% of the federal workforce in the near future.  I smell feline economics here. The opportunities for exploitation will be massive. Where it is now difficult to tempt most federal employees over to the dark side, in a mostly privatized system the question of loyalty becomes paramount. This all comes from the predators' two-decade long assault on government workers.  "They're all incompetent", "they're lazy"...  I challenge my readers to go to Mexico or Egypt or China, interact with a few government workers there, and after you're done paying out your last bit of currency in bribes, feel free to come running home.  One of America's greatest strengths is its amazingly uncorrupt federal civil service. I chalk this up to the work of America's hamsters, who as you probably know are responsible for the Wheels of Government.  Day after day, the Hamsters run those millions of wheels, keeping the country moving steadily along. Do they complain? Absolutely. They swear like banshees. But they keep doing it, day after day. They are paid less for their toil than they could get in the private sector, but the keep on doing it. The Federal security and benefits the felines love to disparage are what keeps them there--if the jobs are outsourced, private companies will have to pay full price, plus that tidy profit, or else hire the bottom of the barrel. There is no such thing as a free hamster. Projects on the kitties' to-do list: Outsourcing the park service. Cats have been dying to turn Yosemite Valley into a giant hairball museum. The EPA. Shell, Chevron, Ford and Pacific Lumber have expressed interest in taking over this organization. They promise to make the agency 100% more efficient in some as-yet-unspecified way. Social Security goes to eTrade. Passport administration will be handed over to the diabolical canid Rupert Murdoch, who will insure that only people who watch Fox News can travel abroad. This will immediately result in the closing of Europe's borders to Americans, as Fox viewers also happen to be the same people to cuss loudly in museums. Oh yeah--and do we really need to be eliminating some of the last steady jobs in America right now? Isn't this bad timing? Isn't just the suggestion likely to create uncertainty in the economy? Wait--I think I heard a cat scratching at my door. Squeak. 10:53:15 AM