Saturday, November 16, 2002

Ask Pesky! Some worthy submissions to my mailbag this week: Name: Congresshamster Opus Species: Hamster Location: Maryland, 8th Congressional District Question:  I was just elected to the 8th congressional district in Maryland, thanks to a high turnout of squirrels and mice at the polls. Do you have any advice for me - besides not to make any new rules, wars, or scandals (my campaign promise)? Answer: Congratulations, Opus, on your election. Given the ferocity of the feline and reptilian competition, I am glad to see you are still very much alive. My advice is to show up every day on time, don't spend too much time on your wheel, and remember that scandals are usually in the eye of the beholder. Also, watch out for those new hamster pellets at Petco. I hear those things pack a punch. Name: Alexis Species: Rat Location: USA Question: What is the biggest rat cage? Answer: I assume you mean "what is the biggest rat palace". Of course any self-respecting rat would never be found in a cage. Sometimes, our human friends attempt to put us in cages, but we of course know very well how to let ourselves out so we can nibble their hair off in the middle of the night. To answer your question, I think the biggest rat palace in the world is undeniably the New York sewer system. Pure luxury. I plan to summer there next year. Name: Bygraves Species: Human Location: USA Question: When will the Dems get some balls Answer: Excellent question. My agent, Susan the Human, tells me that "it's the ones with the balls that's the problem." However, being a distinctly male rat, I resent that very much.  I would also like to point out her terrible grammar. New feature this week: do you read The Rat at work? Of course you do. Next time your boss comes trotting by, click "the boss is coming!" in the upper left corner of this page. That's right, I'm watchin' yer back. You can always count on The Rat.  10:06:40 PM

Bush administration to renew testing of giant phallic symbols Knight-Ridder reports tonight that the Bush administration is re-opening its Phallic Symbol Expansion and Appreciation Program.  My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, tells me that Bush has been feeling particularly inadequate of late, and is ready to compensate, "big time".  Though the source of the half-cat president's low self-esteem is sketchy, Lumpy believes it may be a series of disapproving looks cast his way by Nancy Pelosi following her historic election in the House.  Pelosi is known to be an expert at the "what a poor little thing you are" and "I'm sure your wife doesn't mind" Female Glances of Doom. Bush is eager to restart the testing as soon as possible. He is reportedly under enormous pressure from other Washington felines, particularly Karl Rove the Cat, Snuffy the Cat (who remote-controls Dick Cheney), and Tom DeLay the Cat, all of whom are petrified of Pelosi's newfound power. Apparently, among cats, rumors of Pelosi's abilities have gotten so out of hand that most Washington felines believe one Female Glance of Doom could be equivalent to a dreaded visit to the vet.  The cats hope that by resuming the PSEAP they will feel sufficiently masculine and will be able to stand up to Pelosi's penetrating stare. 12:00:52 AM