Ashcroft declares ancient redwoods of Orick, California
to be "terrorist organization"
In a stunning announcement, John Ashcroft, the alleged human with a deep-seated catnip addiction, has declared Northern California's ancient redwoods to be followers of Osama Bin Laden and therefore members of a terrorist organization.
The announcement is limited to one grove of redwoods known as the Lady Bird Johnson Grove in Redwood National Park just north of Orick, California. The stately grove, considered a showpiece of the National Park  System, has stood undisturbed for thousands of years. Every year, tens of thousands of visitors make their way to the remote park to pay homage to its beauty.
But Ashcroft is concerned. "Those trees, all they do is stand around all day," he said during a press conference in front of a formerly naked statue of an eagle. "We sent agents in to see what they were up to, loitering like that. They refused to answer any of our questions. Besides, 'Lady Bird Johnson'? Who are they kidding. A bunch o' pinko godless--er--Al Quedas. Yeah, that's it."
Ashcroft has ordered the trees remanded to custody pending a top-secret hearing. As the trees are quite large, Ashcroft has enlisted the services of Pacific Lumber Company to "care" for the trees until trial. "We're hoping that once they're made into nice decks for the President's vacation home in the Caribbean they'll be more cooperative."
Cutten the Raccoon, spokescreature for the North Coast community, condemned Ashcroft's actions. "I wonder: if a tree falls on John Ashcroft in the forest, does it make a sound?"
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