President Bush kidnapped by mob of insane turkeys 
Astounding news, blograts: President Bush has been kidnapped by a mob of insane turkeys. According to my Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, President Bush had just finished the annual turkey-pardoning ceremony on the White House lawn when one of the two "pardoned" turkeys lured him behind some bushes to a waiting van. Dozens of turkeys then jumped the half-cat President, dragged him into the van, and stuck a lollipop in his mouth to keep him quiet.
The Secret Service is desperately pursuing the turkeys, who, being insane, cannot be reasoned with. They drive erratically, sometimes while chatting on cell phones. The turkeys have no known agenda and Secret Service agents have no idea where the van will stop. I will keep my readers updated on this extraordinary situation as it progresses.
Dump the football this weekend, watch the rats
The rat olympics are about to take place in Nebraska. May I suggest following particularly the career of Yogurt the Rat of Cleveland, Ohio, who is favored to win the high jump. He has a long history of successfully stealing condiments from McDonald's counters.
4:10:34 PM 
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