Henry Kissinger agrees to head commission
to invistigate how on earth he got appointed
to head the September 11th commission
In a twist that could indicate he is really a snake in a human suit, former secretary Henry Kissinger announced today that he will investigate the bizarre appointment of himself to head the long-awaited 9/11 investigation commission. Critics say that Kissinger is one of the most accomplished liars of his generation, and therefore unqualified to lead such an important effort. Kissinger says he understands the reservations of his critics, and will investigate to find out what happened. In order to speed the process, Kissinger has already released the findings of his new "commision-commission" prior to any investigation. "If I don't get around to doing the actual investigation, at least the public will have access to its results," said Kissinger.
I could swear that during this press conference I saw Kissinger salivating over New York Times reporter Snipsnap the Rat. I definitely smell a reptile here. Rodents, you have been warned. 
Insane turkeys spotted at truck stop in Nebraska
The insane turkeys who kidnapped President Bush yesterday have been spotted by a tourist at a truck stop in Nebraska. The witness, Flathead the Porcupine, says that the turkeys were taking a smoking break and hitting on a local prostitute. Ten of them were hunched over a laptop computer, making day trades. Secret service agents, desperately on the wrong trail in Topeka, quickly rushed north. The turkeys left behind an enormous pile of half-eaten twinkies, because they are insane.
9:10:45 PM 
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