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| Foreign
Affairs
The
Rat ponders the coming war
Britain
admits it plagiarized UN report from homework of 11-year-old California girl
Bush's
attempt to show Iraq's "smoking gun" during State of the Union address
goes horribly wrong
Rumsfeld
terrifies Europeans by saying, "the center of gravity in Europe is shifting
East"; millions of French & Germans desperately glue valuables to the
floor
Oregon
real estate agent offers to help Saddam relocate
Bush
declares war on UN weapons inspectors
Rumsfeld
says lack of evidence on Iraq is evidence in and of itself
Bush
cites Iraqis for poor grammar in weapons declaration
Raelian
cult claims North Korean leader is clone of Bush
Bush
administration announces Santa Claus to support attack on Iraq
Bush
misinterprets UN map of falafel stands
The
Mother of all Quotients
More
Iraq Stories...
National
Security
Total Information Awareness Snapshot of the Day: Glenda the Bear
Ashcroft
declares ancient redwoods to be terrorists
Dick
Cheney caught skipping commercials with TIVO
Economy
Bush says tax cut necessary to "heal a dividended nation"
Bush: "Those of you with class have no right to make fun of those of us who
have none"
Worldcom inflated earnings to consume all available space in the universe within
ten days
Politics
Interview
with Ron the Echinoderm, Bush Administration policy analyst
Geraldo discovers hundreds of Democratic lawmakers in underground vault
John Ashcroft accused of persecuting Sea Hares for sexual practices
Bush vows to end affirmative action for white males
New Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist chased by headless laboratory cats, nearly
crushed by falling cow
Interview with Tippy the Libertarian Cow
The
Nancy Pelosi Female Glances of Doom
Henry
Kissinger fires himself after watching reruns of "Dr. Phil", overthrows
Salvation Army, declares war on mall Santas
Trent
Lott eaten by snake
Bush
proposes reverse paychecks for Federal employees
Behind
the Bush poll numbers
Where
the heck is Ralph Nader?
Bio
of Snuffy the Cat
Janet the Snake
Janet
the Snake defends tax cuts for the rich
Janet
the Snake defends Harvey Pitt
Janet
the Snake gloats about the election
Intro
to Janet the Snake
Janet's
original weblog
Misc.
Guest
Correspondent: Bitey the Dog
The
Rat rants about the pet psychic
Rat
Porn
Eye
of Sauron caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart
Stanford
scientists deny cloning humans
The
Insane Turkey Saga
Duplication
& Multiplication of Chickens Act (DMCA)
Disturbing
interview with Keiko the Killer Whale
Full
archives
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Sunday, December 01, 2002 |
President Bush escapes mob of insane turkeys
Humboldt County, California deputy sheriffs personally escorted President Bush back to the White House today, ending his weeklong captivity in the feathers of a mob of insane turkeys. The turkeys drove Bush all the way from Washington, D.C. in a white van with the words "WE ARE INSANE TURKEYS" spray painted on the side. 
Bush managed to wrestle himself free of the turkeys after they accidentally lodged the white van in a drive-through redwood tree. The turkeys decided to burn up the two thousand year-old tree in order to free the van. When the van caught fire as well, the turkeys did the Insane Turkey Dance of Fire, and then burped for an hour. Bush took advantage of the commotion and slipped away to nearby Highway 101, where he thumbed a ride to Eureka with Roy the Alternative Seaweed Man.
At first Deputy Sheriff Roscoe Sunnybrae wasn't convinced that the disheveled man wearing an "Seaweed Lovers Do It With Little Green Men" t-shirt really was President Bush. "I looked at 'em, and I thought, nobody'd vote for that moron, no way. But then he started talking, and, you know, that was him all right."
7:34:22 PM 
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Bad night for the human (and the corgi)
My agent, Susan the Human, spent last evening administering large quantities of hydrogen peroxide to one Holly the Corgi, in an effort to persuade Holly to return to sender about 6 gourmet chocolates. There are very few things, Susan tells me, that are less enjoyable than inducing a corgi to vomit. I'm happy to report Holly brought up the chocolates as directed, and is now enjoying her martyrdom on the couch with only minor ill effects.
For those uneducated in the canine arts, chocolates are very toxic to dogs, (and rats) and Holly's friendly veternarian advised that 6 truffles could very well be a fatal dose. Having dodged this bullet, Holly spent the morning scouring her house for any other potential food item that could get her in trouble and keep her humans up until 3:00 in the morning.
9:11:50 AM
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