Sunday, December 08, 2002

Disclaimer She's back. I begged, I pleaded, but my agent, Susan the Human, insisted. She says Janet the Snake provides "balance". I'd like to balance that overgrown worm on the edge of a sharp knife. I take no responsibility for the foul words that follow here.  Sincerely and with due concern, Pesky the Rat. Janet the Snake Evil Weblog Moment Oh yessss, my dear readers, I'm back. The little rat-thing couldn't keep me away if he tried. I'd like to take a moment to thank our friend Paul O'Neil (who is NOT a cat in a human suit, despite the liessss of that filthy rodent) for his extraordinary service to this country.  Paul worked tirelessssly to ensure that only the most deserving creatures have jobs, and has done more to dump lollygagging lemmings from the payrollsss of America's fine corporations than any other Sssecretery of the Treasury in recent history.  If he had been allowed to complete his mission, Paul would have ensured an unemployment rate of at least 15%, which would have been stupendous for predators like myself. At 15% unemployment, rodents are so dejected they hang about aimlessly in public squaresss, making for easy pickings.  The wander up and down the malls where I can hide in the sssale racks and sslurp them up. And there is nothing that compares to the buffet of an unemployment line. Back in '91, I ate sssix hamsters and a guinea pig at the Sssan Jose Employment Development Department. I had this great recipe from Julia Childs and I jusssst had to try it out. You take the hamsters, and run them through a blender, and--but I should get back to the point. Fellow predators, never fear. My dear little cat-er-man in the White Houssse, Georgie, will find a fine replacement for Mr. O'Neil. If he can resist the constant squeaking of those mice with their little protest signs, that is. "I have to feed my family", they say. Well, certainly that's true, but if they only live long enough to be eaten, then a lifetime of food isn't really all that expensive, is it? And you know what they say, fat's cheap in America. It's the diet food that's expensive. And the last thing we need is dieting rodents! That's for sure. Boy, I'll tell ya. Dieting rodents. I amusssse myself. So no worriesss, dear readerss. Roast yourself a nice plump rat for  the holiday. They're cheaper than turkeys or hams, and you have the added sssatisfaction of having shut one of them up. 7:08:15 PM