Monday, December 16, 2002

Snuffy the Cat takes over key Pentagon propaganda project After the furor over the Pentagon's plans to feed newspapers false information in support of Bush Administration policies died down a few months ago, the New York Times now reports that such plans, somewhat modified, are surfacing again. This time Pentagon strategists are apparently going even further. The following, regarding possible Pentagon activities in Germany and France, is from the Times: (the propoganda effort) might even include setting up schools with secret American financing to teach a moderate Islamic position laced with sympathetic depictions of how the religion is practiced in America, officials said. This, my dear readers, has Snuffy the Cat written all over it. Snuffy has always dreamed of taking over an entire religion.  My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, has investigated further, and found a copy of one of Snuffy's Pentagon lesson plans for an American-controlled Muslim school to be located in Germany: Lesson #1: Allah loves fighter jets Mohamed writes extensively about fighter jets in the Koran (use Kissinger edition). He writes about the lovelyness and grace of the fighter jet in action. He writes about the love Allah bestows upon fighter jets, especially those manufactured by major Republican campaign contributors and associates of Snuffy the Cat. Lesson #2: The path to heaven is through serving the pharmaceutical industry All true believers must serve the needs of the pharmaceutical industry. Allah loves the pharmaceutical industry. Allah endows great favor on those who take lots and lots of prescriptions. Allah frowns upon the weak-hearted who speak against the great pharmaceutical industry.  People who cannot afford to buy medicines for the divinely inspired prices set by the pharmaceutical industry should be vanquished in a jihad. Lesson #3: Women must have the same rights as men. Mohamed writes in the Koran (use Falwell edition) that women must have the same rights as men as long as they do not infringe upon the superior rights of men. Lesson #4: Women must not wear the veil. Women must keep their faces uncovered so that biometric technology may track their every move. Allah is great and wise. Allah knows that unless we can properly track women, they will take over and ruin our fun. This must be stopped. Although Allah is all-seeing, he is quite busy these days, and does not have time to do this himself. He has asked his representative on Earth, John Ashcroft, to do this for him. Bow to The Ashcroft. Let the eagle soar. Lesson #5: Dogs and rodents are unclean animals This requires no explanation. All canines and rodents must be wiped from the face of the earth. Snuffy the Cat is the great warrior of the jihad against the uncattish elements of our society. Bow to The Cat. Lesson #6: It is acceptable to eat pork in the context of professional wrestling. Mohamed understood the Holiness of professional wrestling. Eat pork rinds. Bow to The Rock. Mark my words, blograts, Snuffy the Cat means business. That diabolical feline, who many of you know already remote controls Dick Cheney from an undisclosed location, is capable of almost anything.   We ignore him and his plans at our peril. 12:44:58 AM