Monday, December 23, 2002

Eye of Sauron caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart Bakersfield, California police were called to a local Wal-Mart today during the last-minute shopping rush after an elderly woman reported seeing the Eye of Sauron shoplifting two copies of "A Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas", six bags of cheese puffs, and a cheap diamonelle ring from the jewelry department. The witness, Elma May Hutchins of Bakersfield, says she was just minding her own damned business when  the Eye of Sauron muscled into her aisle, pushing aside other eager Christmas shoppers. "He had no manners, that Sauron. Somebody should teach him a lesson. He grabbed a whole bunch of cheese puffs and tried to take my wedding ring. I gave him a good slap.  I'm church people, you know." The Eye of Sauron then proceeded to the jewelry department, where it smashed the glass and zeroed in on a diamonelle engagement ring, specially priced at 19.95 (70% off--rollback special). It acquired the ring and then floated into one of the store's dressing rooms. Police say store cameras recorded the Eye of Sauron entering the dressing room with the merchandise, and then cutting the tags before concealing the items within its flaming lidless eye. According to one store security guard, the Eye of Sauron claimed it was doing research for a future film role. "He said he was sick of being typecast as the 'world-domination bad guy'  and wanted to play more of a petty thief. I didn't buy it." And neither did the Eye of Sauron, apparently, as it proceeded to walk past the security gates without paying. Police arrived on the scene a few minutes later and tracked the Eye of Sauron to a seedy bar in downtown Bakersfield. Officer Miguel Escondido had the challenge of cuffing and booking a giant lidless eye wreathed in flame. "He tried to wiggle away, but we got 'em. We doused him with some o' that Clear Eyes stuff they advertise on TV. That sobered 'em up." The Eye of Sauron sits in a Bakersfield jail tonight, after failing to pay bond. "I guess the poor fella couldn't find anyone willing to put up the cash," said Escondido. In the last few hours about a hundred extremely short people with hairy feet have taken to picketing the jail, demanding that the Eye of Sauron not be let out. A public defender has been assigned to the case and a hearing is set for next Tuesday. Meanwhile, Wal-Mart employees have noticed a disturbing phenomenon in Wal-Mart stores across the country: all the little Happy Face symbols on store price signs have turned into miniature flaming Eyes of Sauron. The FBI plans to look into this as soon as they're done rounding up Iranian video store clerks. 10:15:07 PM

Pesky's Holiday Odds 'n Ends As a rat with over two thousand relatives staying for the holidays, I haven't had my usual time to post on this blog. Just yesterday evening at the annual family Christmas party sixty three nephews of mine, and not a few cousins, almost drowned themselves in the punch bowl. We had to use Rat Retrieval Guns (guns that fire a powerful sucker on a string) to haul them out. My Aunt Squirmytail then decided to tell the whole gathering an embarrassing story about my first encounter with a piece of rotting banana. Relatives. Are they really worth it? Bill Frist: snake in human suit, enemy to rats AND cats So the replacement for Trent Lott, who has been consumed by Janet the Snake, is a snake in a human suit who used to kidnap homeless cats for use in laboratories. Is this the kinder, gentler Republican party we keep hearing about? As much as I dislike cats--oh, all right, as much as I am repulsed by those whining, screeching balls of fur--I do not wish being trapped in a laboratory and probed by a med students on my worst enemy.  All right, maybe Janet the Snake. Virtual Occuaquan is now online The Salon Blogs magazine is ready for viewing...if you'd like to read a sampler of a variety of interesting weblogs, here's your chance. Also, if you have a Salon Blog (you will know if you do), feel free to submit your best post of the year to Mark, the Virtual Occoquan editor.  He's got a new year-end  issue going up on the 28th, and he wants to bring in as many Salon Blogs as he can. 10:20:51 AM