Friday, December 27, 2002

The Rat endures a deluge, watches Star Trek, phones North Korea As a traveling rat I am visiting the home of several hundred of my esteemed relatives in Humboldt County, California, 300 miles north of San Francisco. At the moment our abode has become uninhabitable due to the 5.2 inches of rain we've gotten in the last 18 hours or so, and we are now floating in a dinghy on the Eel River, hoping to be picked up. I being a technologically advanced rodent have fashioned a satellite internet connection to my laptop using the zipper from a pair of Levis Jeans and an oddly shaped bit of driftwood. Before we were swept away, I managed to take in the latest Start Trek film. I have a weakness for Star Trek--no, not a weakness, an addiction--and I often find this quality is not appreciated by some of the more snobbish primates. But my sixteen nieces and nephews and I managed to sneak into the theater before the storm drains clogged up and enjoyed it immensely.  I must disagree with the reviewers in some of the human media, however, who suggested this film might be appropriate for people who aren't strongly acquainted with Start Trek--it seemed to me that most of the film consisted of inside jokes and storylines that would have confused a novice Star Trek viewer.  I give it 4 out of 5 pieces of rotting theater popcorn for Star Trek Fans, and 2 out of 5 for non Star Trek fans. Here in the dinghy, we've just floated under Fernbridge, a lovely Humboldt County monument near a Victorian village called Ferndale. The town of Ferndale was used in the recent Jim Carrey feature, "The Majestic", and also appeared as the unfortunate town in the Dustin Hoffman germ thriller "Outbreak". Ferndale is surrounded by cows, who only occasionally rebel and eat the humans. Every few years Ferndale and its cows are knocked around by a 7+ earthquake, and as a result, Ferndale is the milkshake capital of California. A few minutes ago I took advantage of my time in the dinghy to call a good friend of mine, Sam the Rat, who is currently stationed in Pyonyang, North Korea for the Rodent News Service. Sam has been following the North Korea nuclear story and I'm proud to say here is his report: "Well, Pesky, it's quite a circus here in Pyonyang, where government officials have given the UN and President Bush the big kiss-off and restarted their dormant nuclear program. As I've reported in the past, the Koreans have been unhappy for some time that Saddam Hussein the Weasel, who they consider to be a pantywaste and a wannabe, is getting all the attention.  The North Koreans say Saddam hasn't worked for it the way they have, and that even if he did have WMDs (Weasel Megaton Doohickeys), he's within striking distance of only a fraction of as many humans as Korea.  In anticipation of their newly achieved badass status, the North Koreans have ordered several thousand leather jackets and Harley Davison motorcycles, and the country's leader is strutting around his compound with a Vegas showgirl on each arm. It is believed the Vegas showgirls were kidnapped as children and raised in a special showgirl enclosure for this purpose. South Koreans, meanwhile, are festering with anger, many of them blaming George Bush's confrontational policies and rhetoric for the escalation. South Koreans showed their displeasure today by eating at McDonalds and not enjoying it quite as much as they did in 1999." Thanks for that report, Sam, and keep an eye out up there on the Korean Peninsula for communists bearing plutonium. 5:46:12 PM