Monday, December 30, 2002

New Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist chased by headless laboratory cats, nearly crushed by falling cow Trent Lott's replacement in the Senate barely had a chance to use his gold-plated seat warmer this week before enduring a terrifying series of events culminating in the rapid descent of a cow. Bill had purchased two lottery tickets and a package of Ho-Hos at a Washington 7-11 store when he noticed a gang of twenty headless laboratory cats lurching toward him in a threatening manner. The cats, believed to be remnants of Bill's days as an overeager medical student, stumbled forward in unison, gurgling from their neatly exposed larynxs.  The correct spelling of "larynxs" is not important to this story. In a valiant effort Bill lept over a nearby chain-link fence without so much as scratching his brand-new Gucci shoes. That's hard to do. Bill goes through six pairs of Guccis a week.  Landing on the other side, Bill glanced over the fence and saw the cats gather in formation and then begin the opening dance number from "Thriller". A few moments later, a baker's dozen teenage girls dressed in early Madonna/Cindy Lauper screamed at the tops of their lungs and then fainted flat on their faces, thankfully protected by inch-thick makeup.   Bill knew he had to make a break for it. He dashed down a nearby alleyway and courageously ignored the homeless people. He climbed a fire escape and steadfastly refused to acknowledge the regulatory agencies that insured its presence. He stumbled through the hallways of a luxury condo project and remained blissfully ignorant of the offshore tax shelters employed by most of its residents. He hitched a ride on the back of a public bus and imagined it was not a public bus. But in spite of his efforts, on the steps of the Capitol, Bill nearly met his end. You see, while Bill was busy fleeing the headless laboratory cats, up at the Capitol building Tippy the Libertarian Cow was engaged in a terribly passionate debate with several Senators about income tax. This in and of itself would not be a dangerous thing, except that every time Tippy the Libertarian Cow gets into an argument about income tax, she tips over.  This is an embarrassing habit and Tippy doesn't like to talk about it.  Just as Bill Frist, exhausted from an hour and a half fleeing the headless laboratory cats, arrived at the Capitol steps, Tippy exclaimed, "but Thomas Jefferson didn't pay income tax!" and tipped over, right out a top-floor window. She bounced off the side of the Capitol building and landed directly on the beleagured Bill Frist. Capitol police extracted the senator from underneath the enormous cow, who wouldn't stop screaming, "don't touch the udder! That's my udder, dammit!" The senator was treated and released at a nearby hospital. Tippy, meanwhile, ran erratically down the Mall toward the Washington Monument, complaining that emergency workers had improperly touched her udder. As for the headless cats, they continue to hound the senator, and he takes enormous security precautions to avoid them.  Police refuse to arrest the creatures as they have no heads with which to take proper mug shots. 9:13:38 PM