Thursday, January 02, 2003

Raelian cult claims North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is clone of President Bush; Bush issues executive order banning himself, reconsiders, wanders around Disneyworld dressed as “Dopey” soaking up the love of innocent children After the Raelian cult claimed this week to have produced an infant human clone, scientists around the world dismissed the possibility and demanded proof.  Shocked and disgusted at the reception of their monumental achievement, Raelian representative Mush the Squid now claims that North Korea’s undeniably weird leader, Kim Jong Il, is in fact a clone of President Bush. The Raelians had been reluctant to reveal the Bush clone as they do not consider it to be an example of their best work.  Faced with international humiliation, however, the Raelians felt they had no choice. Mush the Squid put it this way: “We Raelians are proud people. We enjoy Kraft with cheese. We sniff things. We are the children of alien beings, but not macaroni. We watch the 700 club in our bathtub with friends. We have cloned the Bush and put him in charge of a backward communist country because it amuses us. Because it amuses us. BECAUSE IT AMUSES US.” My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, tells me that President Bush was so shocked by this development that he issued an executive order banning himself.  After a long period of introspection and several conversations with Pat Robertson, however, Bush decided not to ban himself after all.  He packed his bags, evaded the Secret Service, and caught the old lady express to Orlando, where he snuck into Disneyworld. Lumpy says the details after that are sketchy, but that Bush is believed to have stolen a Dopey the Dwarf costume and has been insinuating himself into the vacation pictures of hundreds of unsuspecting American families for several days now. Cat confesses sins of feline-influenced financial press Rarely do I see a feline speak with such honesty as this fellow in the New York Times. It appears that in the 1990's, the reason the financial press never called Enron or any number of other impending financial disasters had  more to do with bribes of Fancy Feast from industry bankers and CEOs than with actual reporting. One question, though: reading the financial press today, although it is now more popular to talk about the shortcomings of companies, I still see article after article arguing for more tax cuts for the wealthy, such as the dividend tax cut and the inheritence tax. CBS Marketwatch, in particular, doesn't seem to have anyone on staff who is opposed to these kitty litter policies, and offers few other alternatives. So will we have another feline confessing a few years from now when America's coffers are emptied that he shouldn't have listened to the tax cut kitties quite so much? There is a theory in rodent economics about the influence of cats on economic policy. The theory goes that the more cats you have in the room when the policy is made, the less sound it is. This is why "cat ladies" are generally not considered reliable economists. Or neighbors. 9:39:16 AM