Friday, January 03, 2003

Interview with Tippy the Libertarian Cow Recently I featured a story involving Tippy the Libertarian Cow, who has the unfortunate habit of tipping over whenever she gets into an argument about income taxes.  It appears there is a certain amount of interest in Tippy, and today I interviewed her on a wide variety of issues. Pesky: Good afternoon, Tippy. You look well, considering the recent incident at the Capitol. Tippy: Thank you, Pesky. Yes, I've recovered as well as can be expected. Pesky: So, Tippy, what caused you to become a libertarian? You are, after all, a herd animal. Tippy: Well that's just it, Pesky. I got tired of the whole herd scene. Every day, same old same old. This crusty old farmer with his ugly pink human butt hanging out would force us all into the barn, sometimes using his pet wolf, and milk us dry. I had to find a way to stick it to The Man. Pesky: What is it like being a female in a political party that is 90% male? Tippy: Not bad at all. Cute bulls everywhere. Although some of them don't seem to be able to look past my udder. Pesky: Could the preponderance of eligible males have influenced your decision to become a libertarian? Tippy: Of course not. That's just what you whiny mommy-party creatures would say. I think for myself, thank you very much. Pesky: I'm curious, Tippy. My understanding of Libertarianism is that it is basically opposed to all Federal taxes of any kind. Are Libertarians in favor of eliminating the Federal government entirely, and if so, doesn't that mean the end of the United States as we know it? Tippy: Why, that's completely false (THWUNK) MOOOOO! Dammnit. Pesky: Why, Tippy, you appear to have tipped over. Tippy: (upside-down) I see no need to point that out. Pesky: Let's change the subject. Libertarians are against any kind of gun control. What about rocket launchers? Do you think eighteen year-old kids should be able to buy rocket launchers? Tippy: (still upside-down) That's their goddamned business. Maybe they have a really good reason to have that rocket launcher. Maybe they're being stalked or something. Pesky: Yes. Perhaps they are being stalked by heavy artillery or a military aircraft. Tippy: (still upside-down) You know, I don't like your attitude, rodent. Pesky: One final question, Tippy. Do you have any plans to run for office? Tippy: (back on her feet). Yes, actually. I'm planning on running for president. That bleeding heart Bush has to be stopped.  Pesky: Thank you for your time today, Tippy. By the way, did you know that Federal income taxes funded the creation of the internet? Tippy: (THWUNK) Damned rodent. 2:19:26 PM