Bush says tax cut necessary to "heal a dividended nation"
The half-cat president, George W. Bush, announced today that his controversial stimulus plan is necessary because "Americans are more dividended than ever" and he believes he can "heal" the nation through tax cuts. "The details I'm leaving to my buddies at H&R Block," says the President, "but the gist of it is, if we stop taxing the dividends, then we all won't be so darned dividended about everything. Or something like that."
Administration staffers are reportedly very excited about the new plan, which they call "Dividend and Conquer". Vice President Dick Cheney has suggested from his undisclosed location that the strategy could also be applied to other conflicts around the world. "Anywhere people are dividended against each other, this will work. Sure thing," said Cheney through his medium on Monday.
Bush is already chomping at the bit to expand the strategy and this morning directed the US Ambassador to Israel, Daniel Kurtzer, to make sure Israelis and Palestinians weren't paying any dividend taxes, either. Bush considers the people of this region to be the most profoundly dividended in the world. "It's just weird," said a confused Kurtzer, "Last week he wanted me to get them to chop down all their old-growth redwood trees and that was going to solve everything. I told him that it's a desert, and they don't have redwood trees. He told me to shut up." Kurtzer doesn't know what to do with his latest order. "I'm not sure the Palestinians have even heard of dividends. Then again, I'm not sure the President has--is this on the record?"
Meanwhile, in Iraq, Saddam Hussein decided not to be outdone and immediately cancelled all dividend taxes in his country. Why such measures would be necessary in a country which recently registered a strongly undividended vote of 100% for Mr. Hussein remains to be seen. Hussein's weasel superagents have been seen skulking around insuring that this undividendidness doesn't suddenly evaporate.
4:18:27 PM 
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