Friday, January 10, 2003

Dick Cheney caught skipping commercials with TIVO, sent to Guantanomo Bay, escapes in rubber dinghy, befriends school of sharks My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, tells me today that Vice President Dick Cheney just got back to Washington after a week-long ordeal that began during an episode of “The Bachelorette”. Cheney had slipped off his shoes and snuggled up with the television on Saturday night to catch up on his favorite shows.  He picked up his remote and directed his TIVO unit to recall the last episode of “The Bachelorette” without the commercials. Moments later, Cheney’s undesirable activities were reported via a remote monitoring mechanism* to the CEO of Disney, parent company of ABC, producer of “The Bachelorette”.  The Disney CEO ordered immediate justice. The floor of Cheney’s official residence opened up, and Cheney was sucked into an underground shaft recently installed by Disney for this purpose. Cheney slid down the shaft for over half an hour before tumbling to a stop in a windowless room. In the near darkness Cheney sensed he was not alone. The breath of a small furry animal pressed against his ankle. “You thought you could get away with it, didn’t you Dickie,” said the creature, its beady black eyes glinting in the weak light.  “You thought you could watch The Bachelorette without commercials. But you were wrong, Dickie. You will pay.” The creature stepped into a smoky shaft of light and revealed himself to be Mickey Mouse VIII, heir to the great Mouse fortune and a line of fast food restaurants.  Mickey snapped his fingers. Sixteen Navy Sea Lions swooped in from an unseen pool, grabbed Dick, and spirited him away to Cuba, where he was denied his right to a fair and speedy trial but granted unlimited access to the Koran and an Imam named Ted. After a few days in Guantanomo Bay, where Dick worked out a cigar-smuggling scheme with Hassan from Medina, an opportunity for escape presented itself.   Walking along the edge of the compound, picking up trash, Dick observed an empty yellow rubber dinghy floating loose in the sea. Using his special pacemaker, Dick magnetically attached himself to the compound fence and worked his way up, a foot at a time, ultimately flopping himself over the top to the beach on the other side. He slid across the sand into the sea and captured the dinghy. Dick then switched his pacemaker to its magnetic propulsion setting and sped across the water on his way to Florida. Halfway there, however, Dick’s dinghy abruptly desisted.  Everywhere he looked, on all sides, were dozens of the meanest, nastiest, least courteous sharks Dick had ever seen in all of his days.  The lead shark, Crispy, squinted curiously at the giant ball of pink flesh floating in the dinghy.  “What is your business here, pink edible thing?” asked Crispy the Shark. Dick shuddered for a moment, and then answered, “I am here to eliminate your dividend taxes.” Crispy conferred with his fellow sharks. “We have always known that one day The One would come. The One would come and eliminate our dividend taxes. We have waited for this day for millennia. Since the days of the dinosaurs. You are a god and we bow to you.” Crispy made a sharkish attempt at a bow. The sharks proceeded to escort Dick to Florida, where he spent a few days partying in Miami Beach before returning to Washington.  Needless to say, Dick no longer uses TIVO and spends hours each day learning about the advantages of Clorox mops. *Thousands of extremely nosy cockroaches. And yes, they’re watching you RIGHT NOW.   12:15:39 AM