Monday, January 13, 2003

The Rat grows short of cash In an effort to subsidize the cost of maintaining my weblog, my agent and manager, Susan the Human, has leased out today's post as an infomercial. Actually, as it's an infomercial on a blog, she calls it an "infoblercial". Anyhow, the opinions expressed below do not necessarily reflect those of this rat. Or any rat, for that matter. The following  is a paid advertisement Crapping for Jeeeezus, one beach party at a time Good morning, bless y'all, God be w'ya little primates of Jeeeezus. This is Robertson Baker Fallwell, Televangelist Seagull, spreading the Good Word to all willing Creatures and the unwilling ones too. You might be asking yourselves, "say Robertson, what does a seagull know about Jeeeeezus?" and I'd say, a sight more than you do, that's for livin' sure. Today's first topic is, "what's up with the ladies?" And I mean that sincerely. Jeeeeeezus wants to know what is it with the ladies, so uppity these days. Time was, you could park the ladies in the nest and they'd do all the housework, real quiet-like. Nowadays the ladies run around with cell phones and hire private detectives. My first wife started out the right kind, minding the eggs, not giving me any trouble, but then she started watching "Oprah" and I lost her to Satan. Oh, now, I don't mean to say Oprah is Satan. Oprah is one of Satan's Angels of Sin. Satan, of course, is a man, 'cause the ladies don't have the stomach for that kind of raw power. Anyhow, Frida got the idea that I shouldn't spend so much time with my all-female ministry choir, so she hired some rodent to follow me around. The little rat made up some story about me and the choir girls and a wild night at a cotton candy stand on the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and--where was I...oh yeah, so as I said, what's up with the ladies? Jeeeeeezus wants to know. Topic number two: why haven't you sent me money yet? Y'all do know that you will BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL if you don't support The Seagull, don't you? What part of BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL don't you understand? Hell, I'll make it easy for ya. Go down to the beach or your local garbage dump, take a pile of unmarked bills (the money kind, not the bird kind), and just hold 'em up. My little angels will swoop on down and scoop up those dollars for Jeeeeeezus, thereby insuring you will not BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL. Not to put too fine a point on it. Topic number three: that whole thing about robins picking the thorns out of Jeeeeeeeezus' head is flat out wrong. It was seagulls. You honestly think a tiny little robin could do something like that? Bullhockey. It was seagulls. We've been shortchanged for years. As I'm in personal contact with Jeeeeeeezus, I can tell you with absolute authority that I have full permission to purchase a luxury home in Florida with your dollars to pray for the enlightenment of creatures everywhere on this topic, tax-free. That's all for this week, blessed receivers of the Gospel according to Yours Truly. I will be back as soon as your donations come flying in. This godless rat Pesky charges an helluvalot for this space, so the sooner y'all get out there on the beach and wave that cash around, the better. Remember Jeeeeezus loves you, but he'll kick the buttons outta you if y'all don't send me money. End of Paid Advertisement 11:29:48 AM