Friday, January 17, 2003

Geraldo discovers hundreds of Democratic lawmakers locked in underground vault In what could have been the only real success of his vault-opening career, flamboyant reporter Geraldo discovered yesterday a hidden underground vault full of hundreds of Democratic lawmakers. Geraldo had been tipped off by a mole who stumbled on the lawmakers while expanding her master bedroom. "Hilda the Mole told me there was a whole pile of Democrats in an underground chamber near Carlsbad Caverns," said Geraldo. "She said there was a large gold-plated bank-vault door holding them in.  Naturally, I thought this might make good television, so I brought my film crew along." The vault door includes a small portal through which can be seen hundreds of happy, assertive Democrats plotting to rid the world of Bush and his ilk. When Geraldo arrived, he attempted to communicate with the Democrats through an intercom system in the door. "No matter what I said, they just ignored me," he said. "Finally I enticed one of them to the door with a Philly cheese-steak sandwich." The Democrat in question was Tom Daschle of South Dakota, missing in action for some time now. Daschle eyed the sandwich, mouth watering.  "Is that for me?" he asked.  "Sure," said Geraldo. Then, in the space of a fraction of a sliver of a moment, Daschle unlocked the vault--from the inside--swiped the sandwich, and re-locked the door. "Thanks, man," said Daschle. Stunned, Geraldo tried to open the door, but found it could only be unlocked from the inside. Bush ends car accidents, strokes, and heart attacks for poor people In a shocking policy move, the Bush administration has announced the elimination of all acute medical conditions for poor people.  "When poor people get sick, it gets real expensive," said Bush today, "so I thought, let's just make it so they don't get sick? That'd work, right?" Bush's new policy would apply to all acute conditions, including car accidents.  White House spokesman Ari Fleischer explains it this way: "So, let's say a guy in a BMW is driving 500 mph down the turnpike, and a poor guy in a 1973 VW is going the speed limit in the other direction.  The guy in the BMW is slammin' drunk, and the guy in the vee dub is sober. The guy in the beamer crosses the median barrier and slams right into the guy in the vee dub. The way this works, the guy in the beamer is fully covered under his own insurance plan, and the guy in the vee dub is COMPLETELY UNHURT. Really, it doesn't get much better than that." Critics of the new policy sighed until they hyperventilated and passed out. 5:40:17 PM