Bush declares war on UN weapons inspectors;
orders US army to hunt down Swedish Chief Inspector
Hans Blix using "any means necessary";
CIA takes over IKEA stores in intelligence-gathering operation
In a long-anticipated move, President Bush this week declared war on the UN weapons inspection team itself. In a speech justifying the new policy, Bush said, "That Blix guy knows an awful lot about WMDs [weasel megaton doohickeys] and explodey things, and besides, he's from a socialist country. So I said, let's put the dogs on 'em. But the dogs wouldn't go, so we sent the US Army instead. See, I'm the commander 'n chief, you know."
US Army captain Reggie Smithers says his new assignment has been anything but easy. "The CIA is giving us potential targets, but so far, no luck. Swedish guys are slippery. Just when we think we've caught up to him, all we find is some half-eaten strudel and the distant sound of Dancing Queen."
The CIA is apparently getting its targets from recent raids at IKEA stores across America. The Swedish furniture stores, each one the size of a small midwestern town, pose a challenge to the CIA analysts who must spend weeks assembling cheap furniture using only a small metal ratchet.
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