Monday, January 20, 2003

The Rat watches TV I'm watching my favorite channel, Animal Planet of course. However, the folks at Animal Planet have managed to create my least favorite show: The Pet Psychic.  I detest the Pet Psychic. Her fake English accent. Her inability to communicate with even the most talkative chicken. The fraud that oozes from every crevice of her body. There is nothing genuine about this woman, nothing at all, not even the hair. Today she is "contacting" a golden hamster named Sonja who lives with two enormous men with beer bellies. Her first question refers to the hamster as "he". The beer bellies correct her and say that Sonja is in fact female.  Here's my question: if the damned Pet Psychic was ACTUALLY PSYCHIC, wouldn't she at least know the gender of her victim? Ooops, I mean "subject".  That Jon Edwards guy, he's got it easy. Mind-reading primates is a cakewalk. They're herd animals (as opposed to highly evolved social beings like us rats) and therefore think and act in remarkably predictable fashion. Most non-primates, however, are significantly more complex. We can't be read like a book. We can't so easily be hornswaggled and hoozwagged by snake oil salesmen with big penetrating eyes. In short, we're a tad more evolved. I spoke to Sonja the Hamster after the show, and this is what she had to say: "Psychic? My fuzzy little rear. She stinks like men's cologne and there's stuff in her teeth.  She insulted my gender [editor's note: hamsters are extremely sensitive about gender] . At one point she said, 'you're not going to bite us right now, such a nice little hamster' or some bs like that. Well, let me tell you, I was this close to slicing her pinky finger off. Old hag." The Pet Psychic must be exposed for who she is: a scheming little con-artist praying on naive primates who have failed to properly communicate with their non-human family members.  Remember, dogs, cats, rodents and other fuzzy citizens: if your human tries to take you to see this woman, sharpen your teeth first.  And have a nice full meal first, too. Couldn't hurt to leave behind a few souveniers. 9:00:01 PM

Correction It has come to my attention that in a recent article, "Bush vows to end affirmative action for white males", I referred to Trent Lott as if he is in fact alive. Astute readers may remember that a few days earlier, Trent Lott had in fact been eaten by my long-time nemesis, Janet the Snake.   Obviously, I am now just as shocked at this bizarre development as you are. I have consulted my sources, who tell me that Janet found Trent rather difficult to digest and regurgitated him on the New Jersey Turnpike.   Janet is now on the prowl again, and I caution my readers to avoid opening the door for skinny-looking "tupperware salesmen ". 12:08:48 AM