John Aschroft accused of persecuting sea hares for sexual practices
The national spokeshare for American sea hares, Pat the Sea Hare, says that Attorney General John Ashcroft has been abusing his authority to persecute the shell-less gastropods and deny them life, liberty and the persuit of things too naughty to mention here.
Ashcroft reportedly had the FBI put a Monterey-based colony of California sea hares under heavy surveillance after he found the following description in the book California Marine Life, published by the Monterey Bay Aquarium:
"...sea hares are hermaphroditic. They are, however, incapable of self-fertilization and often mate in large groups."
Horrified, Ashcroft rushed the agents to the scene of one such group of hares in the Monterey Bay, where they immediately installed 24-hour cameras. Ashcroft is so concerned about the sea hares' activity that he is believed to spend hours by himself watching their activities.
Unfortunately, Ashcroft failed to read on. If he had, he would have discovered that
"...sea hares are incredibly prolific. Studies have shown that some sea hares produce as many as 95 million eggs a month for months on end. In fact, scientists have calculated that if just one adult laid its normal load of eggs and all were to survive and reproduce without predation, and so on, in just over a year the surface of the earth would be more than 6 feet deep in sea hares."
And therin lies the danger--and the reason why, despite their extreme sexual habits (which include the ability to simultaneously copulate as male and female with two other hares), even the most prudish politicians have avoided taking on the sea hare lobby.
Sea Hares have already started to fill up the Monterey Canyon, just off the coast of California, and current estimates have Sea Hares spilling onto land within the next 36 hours. Already isolated Sea Hare sightings have occurred in seedy bars along the California coast.
Misc.
New Author's Notes, wherin Susan the Human once again blatantly attempts to take credit for my work.
New Virtual Occoquan, collection of some of Salon Blogs best writing, now online .
1:38:55 PM 
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