Donald Rumsfeld terrifies Europeans by saying,
"the center of gravity in Europe is shifting East";
millions of French and Germans desperately glue valuables to the floor
In a move that has already sparked widespread criticism, Defense Secretary Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld has announced a shift in Europe's center of gravity. In his speech, Rumsfeld said France and Germany represented "the old Europe" and that in keeping with the latest fashions, the center of gravity will be moving over to "the new Europe", which basically consists of any country poor enough to grovel at Rummy's feet for trade agreements.
French and German citizens spent much of the day gluing, nailing, and velcroing valuables to the ground in hopes of mitigating the damage caused by such a dramatic shift. Scientists believe that shifting the center of gravity too far to the East could cause Western Europe to tip up at as much as a 45 degree angle, causing items to fall eastward and most major rivers to change their course.
Polish politicians are delighted at their newfound status as Europe's center of gravity. Already, thousands of Poles are lining up giant dustbins to catch all the falling objects expected to rain down from France and Germany. One Polish politician said, "We are very pleased that all our sucking up has finally amounted to something." He then ripped the cover off a new statue of George W. Bush riding a horse naked.
Meanwhile, Tony Blair is reportedly furious that Rumsfeld suggested the center of gravity should move east, when his country, most decidedly in the western part of Europe, has been America's strongest supporter of late. "It's bloody ungrateful, it is. I'll give him a piece of my mind, I will, just as soon as I'm done fixing my hair." Tony then spent hours with a London hairstylist trying to get a Ronald Reagan cowlick.
3:38:50 PM 
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