Powell says "Iraq must turn on
the lights and come clean";
orders Pentagon to equip US Army
with supersoakers and soap dispensers
In the latest escalation of the struggle over Iraq, Secretary of State Colin "Colonic" Powell escalated himself further than ever before by demanding that "Iraq must turn on the lights and come clean."
The sweeping demands, made during a contentious press conference in which European reporters asked lots of really hard questions, brought an immediate reaction from Iraq.
"We Iraqis are already very clean. Some years ago, we hired the Mother of all Cleaning Ladies, Wanda the Maid. Wanda is over one-hundred feet tall and cleans the country on a regular basis. No other country except Iceland has done this, and theirs fell into an acidic hot spring and is now nothing but a 25-foot-high leg bone. We dare the evil American imperialists to show that Iraq is anything but extra-squeaky-squeaky clean."
Weapons inspector Hans Blix, in the process of issuing a report on Iraq, hinted that the Iraqis' claims of being squeaky clean may be overblown. "Ya, you know, I saw that gigantic cleaning lady in Baghdad. She was leaning on an office tower, smoking a cigarette. When she was done she dropped the butt right in the middle of the street and killed a falafel salesman."
Falafel salesmen in the greater Baghdad area are advised to be on the lookout for an unnaturally large woman carrying a ten-thousand gallon bottle of Pine-Sol.
Donald Rumsfeld, not to be out-escalated by his colleage Colin Powell, issued his own orders today, this time demanding the Pentagon give all Army soldiers super-soakers and soap dispensers to aid in rendering Iraq squeaky-clean to American standards. American soldiers could be seen in bases throughout the world gleefully squirting each other silly.
Europeans, meanwhile, worried about the newfound American obsession with cleanliness. "God help us if they look behind my ears," said French Prime Minister and infrequent bather Jacque Chirac.
4:53:15 PM 
|
