Friday, January 31, 2003

Pesky's Weekend Quickies 1. Mouse runs wild, grounds Swiss plane. I suppose this must mean their security was full of holes. 2. Guy who raises medical marijuana for cancer patients: may get jail for life. Ken Lay, who stole the retirement savings of millions of Americans, gets gold-plated limos for life. Explanation: The Flaming Lidless Eye of Sauron. 3. Groundhogs are all about the sex. And that's something you don't want to find out the hard way, trust me. 4. The aluminum canisters so often cited by President Bush as evidence of Iraq's naughty doings are reportedly nothing of the sort. My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, has done some digging, however, as Mongooses are wont to do, and this is what he came up with: "Well, Pesky, so far as I can see, the aluminum canisters appear to be pressurized containers of some sort of fixative agent.  There are far more of them than even Hans Blix reported, and they all have the same logo, printed in Arabic with little pink flowers and fairies all over them.  I brought in about a dozen rodent arms experts to take a look, and they said it appears the cans are the remnants of about two-hundred cases of hair spray.  This could be the most compelling evidence yet that Hussein is manufacturing WMDs (Weasel Megaton Doohickies), which are believed to be based on the power of giggling teenage girls." 5. The Rat is traveling until Tuesday, which means that new stories may or may not appear on this page between now and them. I am not a superstitious rodent, but I will confess I have created a small altar to placate the angry gods that rule my laptop.  Be kind, little deities. Be kind. 11:27:46 PM

Angry Volkswagons chase President Bush into Washington Monument after he reveals new book: "How To Be Mean to Europeans Without Really Trying" In an ongoing situation, President Bush is now trapped on the top floor of the Washington Monument after a gang of about two hundred angry Volkswagons chased him off the White House grounds earlier today. The Volkswagons, led by Reinhold the Beetle, went on their rampage after learning about Bush's new book, "How To Be Mean to Europeans Without Really Trying".  The book, which consists of 64 pages of exceptionally violent stick figures and lots of potty jokes, is Bush's first foray into the publishing world. White House staff are reportedly hopeful that writing a book will make the President appear more "smart". Reinhold the Beetle revved his turbocharged engine and offered his evaluation of Bush's writing skills. "The man writes like a Pinto." Meanwhile, evidence has surfaced that Bush's new book may not be entirely original. Pierre the Renault, a subcompact from Lyon, says he wrote a similar book a few years ago: "How To Be Mean to Americans Without Appearing to Care". The book, which is in its fifth printing, includes such suggestions as, "let them build Disneyland in your backyard and then mock it endlessly." 9:34:48 AM