Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Conversation between Dick Cheney and Bill Frist intercepted by Lumpy the Mongoose My Extremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose,  has used his brand-new MSD (Mongoose Surveillance Doohicky) to intercept the following highly classified conversation between the Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, and the Vice President. The conversation took place deep within the bowels of Cheney’s SLFWG (Secret Lair for Fat White Guys).   The conversation is related to a recent incident in which Frist was ruthlessly chased by a gaggle of headless laboratory cats. Cheney: Well, hi there, Bill. Glad you could make it down to the ol’ SLFWG. Frist: Thanks, Dick (giggles). Cheney: What’s so damned funny about my name? Frist:  Oh, nothing Dick. Nothing at all.  You’re not funny. Not the slightest bit. Cheney: So, Doctor Frist, as those rodents over at the Times have taken to calling you, we need to talk about this headless cat situation. Frist: Oh. Cheney: I went to a lot of trouble to dump that moron Lott and get you this job. I don’t need you running around with a bunch of headless cats. Frist: They’re the ones chasing me. I can’t get away from them. Right now, they’re waiting at the entrance to your Lair, just waiting for me to climb out the hatch.  I need a bodyguard, Dick. Cheney: Listen, Frist, this kind of baggage could bite us in the ass. I’ve run the numbers. Bill Frist, hero-doctor, cleaning up the turnpikes of America: very likeable. Bill Frist, ex-maniacal medical student, constantly chased by headless cats leftover from experiments gone awry, not likeable. Frist: What about Iraq? Once the bombs start flying, nobody’ll notice the headless cats. Cheney: That only works to a point, Bill. The American people can take a headless Saddam Hussein. Our research shows they are much less accepting of thirty headless cats. Frist: Twenty-six. Cheney: Four of them are fat. Frist: C’mon, Dick, can’t you get the Secret Service to pick ‘em up? Cheney: The Secret Service is afraid of them.  You need to take care of this on your own. Frist: What can I do? Cheney: Sew their heads back on. Frist:  But I don’t know where their heads are! Cheney:  The Surgeon General has them. She put them on sticks and uses them to demonstrate the merits of abstinence to family planning experts in India. Frist: How’s that working? Cheney: There seem to be significantly more Indians in the world than when she started. We’ve decided to switch to that sock puppet from Pets.com. Frist: But even if I have the heads, how to I pin down the cats long enough to sew them back on? Cheney: Just let them chase you into the Senate chambers. We have pipes in there that will pump anesthetic into the building when you’re ready. Here’s a gas mask. Frist: Why do you have anesthetic pumps in the Senate chambers? Cheney: That information is classified. (THWUNK) Hey! Lynn! Help me drag this guy outta here. A note about spelling In a previous post some readers pointed out that the word "Volkswagen" had been spelled. "Volkswagon". Several times. In plain view. I must assure my readers of two things: 1, we did that on purpose. Yep. Absolutely. 2, If you can find a rat who can spell better than this one, you get a million dollars. The Rat is back in town After a lovely interlude in Portland, Oregon, this rat is now back in the Silicon Valley, ready for business.  Things I learned about Portland: 1. You can go from 0 to 10 panhandlers in Pioneer Square in less than 30 seconds. 2. There are over six hundred thousand bridges across the Willamette and Columbia Rivers. People who live in Portland will tell you there are less, but don't believe them. They lie. 3. The greater Portland area has more churches than humans, and in stark contrast to my lovely home in the Bay Area, some actually attend. This may have something to do with the fact that all those bridges are rusting to pieces and driving over any given span is a supreme act of faith. 5:02:14 PM