Pesky the Rat exclusive: Colin Powell's
rejected evidence against Iraq
Much has been made today of Colin Powell's speech to the UN, in which he outlined a number of naughty things that our Iraqi friends have been up to. My Somewhat Reliable Anonymous Source, Muffin the Dormouse, says that Powell rejected a number of pieces of evidence before settling on the vaguely stunning endictments revealed today. Muffin has assembled some of the more intriguing rejects for your consideration.
Exhibit A: Two thousand bottles of multivitamins found in a Baghdad market. This evidence was rejected as "shaky" after CIA experts exhaustively determined that Thiamin is not a chemical weapon.
Exhibit B: Saddam's beach house on the Euphrates. Although the house contained an elaborate bedroom with the words, "Weapon of Mass Destruction" painted on the mirrored ceiling, agents have determined that Saddam might have been, in fact, referring to, er, himself. Female CIA agents have conclusively determined that said "weapon" is in fact no threat to anybody whatsoever.
Exhibit C: Saddam's Republican Guards. Although the Republican Guards are rumored to be raping and plundering Iraq's environment, civil rights, and national budget for their own benefit, administration officials mysteriously quashed all evidence along these lines.
Exhibit D: Kim Jong Il Platinum Mastercard, found in the cushions of Saddam's favorite couch. Intelligence sources discovered that the account attached to the card has racked up over 2,000,000 frequent buyer points, earning Saddam six Betty Crocker aprons and a stylish toaster cozy. The CIA believes that toaster cozies are not a threat to US national interests.
Exhibit E: Map of Jordan featuring large bullseyes. After extensive deliberation, the Bush administration is convinced that it is not physically possible for Iraq to invade Michael Jordan.
Left without these potential arguments, Powell concentrated instead on an Al Queada training camp inside Kurdish-controlled, allied-patrolled northern Iraq. Even though the camp could easily have been destroyed by allied war planes and troops some time ago, the Bush administration has preserved the camp as a National Historic Monument in order to insure it remains for the enjoyment of future generations. More on this aspect of the story as it progresses.
4:04:50 PM 
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