The war polls: evidence of primate dyslexia
Much is being made of new polls showing an increase in support for a US invasion of Iraq. My Exremely Reliable Anonymous Source, Lumpy the Mongoose, investigated this phenomena and reports that the whole thing is just one big misunderstanding.
Lumpy explains that an epidemic of audio dyslexia is sweeping the primate population in the United States, causing humans to hear words incorrectly or not at all. So, where in a Newsweek poll published today the question was:
Do you support an attack on Iraq without the backing of the United Nations?
What most primates heard was:
Do you support members of the opposite sex romping in revealing underclothes through an ocean of cream cheese?
Another question involved the President's leadership in this time of crisis.
Do you think President Bush has shown strong leadership since September 11?
Primates heard:
If you went to McDonalds, and they supersized your supersized family meal, wouldn't that be cool? And wouldn't it be even cooler if they had happy meals for grownups, that, you know, weren't really appropriate for kids? That'd bring a whole new meaning to the phrase "Happy Meal", now wouldn't it?
As you can see, modern polling techniques are really quite useless in the face of primate audio dyslexia (also known as monkey dissonance). It is, therefore, better to simply ignore the polls and just pretend everybody agrees with you. That's been my recipe to mental health, that's for sure.
11:12:40 PM 
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