Rumsfeld announces US Army soldiers
to enter Iraq covered only in duct tape
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced today new cost-cutting measures aimed at freeing up more money for anticipated tax cuts. The centerpiece of the new proposals is a new armor system designed to have "sticking power".
Recruits at Fort Bragg ran into trouble yesterday after trying on the armor and finding it especially difficult to take off. In fact, the recruits are now staying the night at a nearby Home Depot while helpful retirees earn extra cash by attempting to remove the miles of super-sticky red and grey duct tape.
Some insiders believe the proposal is part of a two-pronged duct tape offensive, the first round of which was fired when an administration official recommended Americans stock up on duct tape in anticipation of coming terrorist attacks.
"Clearly the duct tape lobby is in on this one," said Hilda the Lemming, a rodent who knows about such things, "and really, there's almost nothing more frightening than the duct tape lobby. They don't write letters. They don't place calls. They don't do protests. They just wrap themselves around you like a sticky anaconda."
Back at Fort Bragg, Corporal William Smithers said, "I'd like to see that Rumsfeld character wrapped up in duct tape."
It's unclear what the true savings of the program would be, as the soldiers, once wrapped in duct tape, are unable to move properly and must be ferried about on Costco shopping carts by their spouses. Darlene Smithers, wife of William, says that she's not sure she's ready to go to Iraq. "I know President Bush said we should do our duty and shop like crazy, but I heard they don't even have Ross there. Besides, do they take debit cards?"
11:25:47 PM 
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