Saturday, February 15, 2003

Saudis offer to take direct payments from Americans, eliminating the need to drive around in ugly SUVs The Saudi monarchy offered  a new option to Americans and others who have tired of driving around in massive, inconvenient, hard-to-park SUVs: convenient direct debit from your checking account. Prince Faisel of Riyadh says he came up with the idea after traveling to America and witnessing a 5'1'', 200 pound Pennsylvania woman nearly kill herself attempting to climb into a Humvee. "She kept flailing around, and then she got stuck, and then, with a sudden pop, she came loose and bounced twenty feet through the parking lot. I thought, we must help these poor Americans. We must help them now, while we still can." Prince Faisel has established the Saudi Monarchy Lifestyle Maintenance Trust just for this purpose. Now Americans who wish to assist the Saudi monarchy in building private movie theaters, purchasing gold-plated toilets with surround sound, and acquiring fleets of expensive European cars can do so without the inconvenience of driving an aircraft carrier on wheels. Special accounts are also available for those who wish to contribute to questionable causes, including one which aims to replace every public school in California with a Madrassa and another simply labeled, "Drop Box in Damascus". All westerners are invited to participate in the new program. Betty Sue of St. Louis, Missouri, says she's excited. "Before, I ran over my son's teacher three times in the Hummer. But now I drive a Civic Hybrid and have the money I save conveniently deducted from my checking account every month. Thank you, Prince Faisel!" Public Health Warning Susan the Human's cynicism has reached danger levels. If she reads one more article about the Bush administration she is likely to strip naked and run through downtown San Jose yelling, "WHY! WHY! OH CRAP WHY!" Odds n' Bits --Tariq Aziz, Iraqi Foreign Minister, sounds like a computerized voice. This supports my theory that he is in fact a computer-operated suit run entirely by felines. --The Chinese New Year parade in San Francisco today helped drive evil spirits out of the city. Suggestion: ditch the peace marches. Just have the world's biggest-ever Chinese New Year parade in Washington DC, continuously, until all the right-wingers flee back to their ancient haunts. --Susan the Human muses on the future of Salon here. 11:11:58 PM