Osama Bin Laden working at Virginia mall
As the nation turns its weary eyes to Iraq, mass murderer/former rich guy Osama Bin Laden has decided to use some of his newfound free time to earn extra money.
Bin Laden, who used up most of his inherited fortune buying bombs, kalishnikovs, and low-quality video equipment, says he needed the extra money. "Yes, God came and spoke to me, and he said, Osama, you must earn extra money to vanquish the infidels. He said I must work at Hot Dog on a Stick. But they weren't hiring. So I went to work at Uncle Salty's Seafood on a Stick instead."
As part of his duties at Seafood on a Stick, Osama sells shrimp on a stick, octopuses on a stick, squid on a stick, and tuna on a stick. What is perhaps most surprising is that Osama Bin Laden could work openly so close to FBI headquarters and not find himself on a stick.
"They know I'm here," said Osama, "they sent me a nice Christmas card." Osama says entering the country wasn't a problem. "I told them I was Swedish. They weren't looking for Swedes."
A Seafood on a Stick customer, Rodney the Human, says he's not worried about buying seafood from Osama Bin Laden. "Now if that was Saddam Hussein, well, I'd shop somewhere else," he said. "but I'm sure this guy's all right. President Bush even said so."
Osama likes to offer his customers a special experience. He calls it, "Service With a Death Threat". As he rings each customer up, he says, "I will get you in your sleep, evil American imperialists. I will get you when you least expect it. You are numbered." It is speculated that he means "Your days are numbered", but some have pointed out that each customer receives a numbered sign to put on their table for service.
The Bush administration says it's not concerned. "That Osama Bin Laden down at the mall, well, he's just a Swedish guy with a funny name," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "Who would be worried about a Swedish guy?" When asked if the administration could look into it, just to be sure, Fleischer replied, "like we have the time. I mean, really."
6:47:11 AM 
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