Kathy to Hilary, August 17, 1971, Tehran, Iran August 17
Dear Hilary,
I love you for your concern! It’s so good to have a friend, no matter how far away.
In a way I wish I’d gotten your letter sooner, but as I didn’t, things went as they did. I think my main problem two weeks ago was doubt--I doubt no more about the way Farzad feels--I worry about mine--but should I regret past actions?
I’ve always hated when people tell me blow by blow every minute detail of their love lives. But...one enjoys telling it. Anyway, last Friday we did sleep together--all expression for this are so hypocritical. I wanted to do it, and so did he, and somehow I don’t feel it will be a liability in the future. God knows I always wanted to--so now I know what everyone talks so much about--and you know that Peggy Lee song “is that all there is”--kept running through my head.
I hope I’m being realistic. I don’t think this will last forever, although Farzad does. I was reading his palm, and I told him the lines said he’d have one child. (What bullshit!) I said I wouldn’t have any--but he said, that’s impossible, I was to be the mother of his child. Oh I know that’s supposed to be sweet talk, but I think he really feels that way, even if I don’t. I want to know everything, feel everything, as soon as possible, and when it’s over I’ll mourn, but I’ll absorb and cherish what’s good about being together.
He’s still chauvanistic, and I’ve put my foot down many a time. He still feels I’m like his little sister or a boy, “please wear a dress and change the way you walk.” He suggested I swing my hips instead of stomping along with my head down. “I could be holding hands with a boyfriend instead of a girl for all you look like.” But aside from that, you now how you start talking to a person, and you find out that they’re so much like you? It was like that at first--we couldn’t stop talking and still can’t.
To sum it up: I’m NOT happy, mainly because I seem to be missing out on some excitement but I think I know why. Sitting on my feelings for too long. Not that it really matters. Nothing really matters--we drive our cars, make trouble, eat--all manner of things, but they all pass. So nothing should ever really get you down.
Rather a bad philosophy I think. So much talk of me, but you haven’t said a thing of yourself, or hardly. It is a hassle to be “in love” but we’ve gotten things straightened out to the way we want them to be or at least recognized where we stand. The thing I want the most no human can give, because it’s all in me. It’s nice to have a dream. Of course, nothing measures up.
7:08:29 PM 
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