Childrearing practices reached their zenith in the Victorian Age, and have declined steadily thereafter. Where once society valued a quiet and industrious child who could be safely taken into polite company, we have today's emphasis on screeching, howling offspring that shatter the contemplative moment as readily as they break fine dinnerware.

The Raven says, "Enough." It is time to rethink our permissiveness and focus again on the joys of the well-trained child. While a return to the vigorous application of the strap and cane is probably too much to ask for given our prediliction for lenience, we can—and should—make use of our understanding of psychology and behavioral modification to effect better comportment in society's smallest participants.

Nutrition. The foundation of a sound mind is good health. It is well known that sweets and spices aggravate hyperactivity and promote poor concentration in growing bodies, so eschew the hot dog and pizza slice in favor of oatmeal. The fastidious child may be permitted a dollop of stewed spinach as an occasional condiment, especially as a reward for good behavior. Vary this diet occasionally by serving the oatmeal warmed.

Education. A number of time-proven games are available to enrich the young learner's vocabulary, literacy, and understanding of abstract concepts. At the same time, these fanciful activities can be assigned in a trice and gain the adult substantial respite for enjoying cocktails on the deck or even an evening on the town while the child remains focused "on task."

My Word! Procedure: Give the child a scrap of paper with some Greek or Cyrillic characters written on it, along with an unabridged dictionary such as Webster's Third. Instruction: "Find this word in the big book and Mommy will give you a treat."

Storytime. Procedure: Give the child a copy of Wittgenstein's Philosophico-logico Tractatus and a teddy bear. Instruction: "Read this to Mr. Wiggles and he'll wake up and dance. If you don't read every word, Mommy will take Mr. Wiggles away forever."

The Hidden Toy. Procedure: Take your child into its room. Instruction: "While you were out, I hid a wonderful, magic toy in your room. Find it!"

The Last Number. Procedure: Put child in room. Instruction: "Count like this, 'One... two... three...' and keep counting until you reach the highest number. Then tell it to Mommy. If Mommy can think of a bigger number, you lose a toy."

Egyptian Mummies. Procedure: Put child to bed swaddled tightly in a sheet. Instruction: "Mommy and Daddy are explorers and will search for your 'tomb.' Then we'll unwrap you and give you a toy. Don't move!" (If the child moves or makes a noise, see "Punishments" below.)

Round and Round. Equipment: Sneakers. Instruction: "Mommy and Daddy will have drinks on the front porch whilst you run around the block." When the child completes a circuit, point to your watch and say, "Too slow. Again."

London Bridge. Equipment: A moderately sized book. Instruction: "Hold this out in front of you with both hands for fifteen minutes and you'll get a cookie. Don't lower your arms before time's up or you'll have to start over." (Hint: Ignore the question "Is it time yet?")

The Chinese Tunnel. Equipment: Shovel. Instruction: "Dig a hole to China and you can have some of Mommy's dessert." (This one is good for aerating garden beds.)

The Black Goblin. This requires some set-up. First, put the child to bed as usual and enjoy cocktails with your spouse. Several hours later enter the child's room draped head to foot in a black cloak and stand over the child's bed. Cough a bit to slightly waken the child but say nothing. Remain in position, silent and looming, for several minutes. Make a silent exit while the child is cowering beneath the covers. Now, when disciplinary measures are called for, you have a "friend" at your disposal, "Stop fussing about over there or I'll have the Black Goblin come eat you tonight!"

Pet Food. Hide the child's favorite pet and over lunch or dinner indicate your meal—preferably sausages, steak, or hamburger—that you're dining on "Fluffy." After the child has been calmed somewhat, sit it back down with its oatmeal, produce the pet, and add a warning that next time, "Fluffy won't come back." Works like the Black Goblin.

The Child Store. Stop by an adoption agency and pick up some brochures. When your child misbehaves, show it the pamphlets and explain that childen (including your child) come from the "Child Store." From this point onward, you have an endless supply of threats available, "We'll take you back," "We're exchanging you for another one," etc. Physically bundle the child into the car and start driving for added effect.

6:42:48 PM       

Let's say you're at a restaurant or a tapas bar, and being alone you've chosen to sit at the counter where you're savoring a glass of pinot grigio and contemplating something from the sea when an unctuous lizard in a loud jacket leans over and slurs an invitation to openness:

"Hey darlin', didn't I see you on a 'Girls Gone Wild' tape?"

"The person who gave you this number obviously did not want you to have their real number. Maybe you're just not this person's type.... This could mean short, fat, ugly, dumb, annoying, arrogant or just a general loser. Maybe you suffer from bad breath, body odor or even both. Maybe you just give off that creepy, overbearing, psycho-stalker vibe. Maybe the idea of going out with you just seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns."

So, how popular is Goldblatt's creation? "Each city averages 50,000 phone calls per month, sometimes at a pace fast enough to crash the hotline." That's a lot of ego-bruisage going on out there.

There Had to Be Signs

According to this report, police have arrested a University of Florida neurology professor after finding a trove of preserved body parts in his home. For some reason, Joseph Warner was keeping heads, brains, arms—you name it—all over the place, some in Tupperware containers. He claims to have been conducting after-hours "research" with this stuff, and was busted when police showed up in response to a domestic battery complaint filed by his wife.

Police also found a large cache of weapons and ammunition, including military ordnance.

Rocky Mountain High

Civilian residents in Denver's Five Points district are seriously outnumbered by hordes of crazed crack addicts who run their turf with a nonchalance befitting the rogues in a Charles Bronson vendetta film. Some of the homeowners moved into the district for admittedly less-than-sensible reasons. A former waitress named Mary explains her home purchase in this combat zone as being partly due to the low prices (junkies do keep property values down), and also, as she puts it:

"I love diversity, and I wasn't crazy about living around only white people anymore. I believe in living in the inner city, and it seemed like a pretty good investment," she says. "What can I say? I took a chance."

The reporter for this article observes the following:

Down the street from the derelict beauty parlor, a trio of crackheads squatted on the stoop of a green rowhouse, openly smoking their glass pipes, reeling back and grinning like evil clowns with each full-lunged hit. One of them stood up, tucked his pipe away, unzipped his fly and urinated on a nearby wall.

10:27:14 AM