If the U.S. forces a regime change in Iraq, the result won't be punctuated with rivers of barefoot children following American tanks rumbling down the streets of Baghdad, it will be marked with the sounds of gunfire, killing, and screaming as the Shiite majority take bloody revenge on the oppressing Baath Party that have subjugated the Shiites ever since Saddam took power. This is the scenario painted by Nicholas Kristof in an op-ed article in yesterday's NYT, and he argues the picture brilliantly.

In The Crusades Through Arab Eyes, by Amin Maalouf, a primer on Arab history from the viewpoint of classical Arab historians, Maalouf presents in exhaustive detail how the ebb and flow of shifting borders and vague alliances throughout the region have led to today's chessboard of precariously balanced kingdoms that continue to seek advantage where possible and bargain for survival when circumstances dictate. This was underscored by Egypt's warning six weeks ago that U.S. activity against Saddam would "unleash the gates of Hell," only to be followed by a cautious expression of support for intervention once it became clear in which direction the winds of war were blowing. Talk large when possible, align yourself with the stronger party when practical. Nothing has changed in this respect in the Middle East for over two thousand years. Kristof reminds us of what happened the last time Saddam's grip was weakened, following the Persian Gulf war in 1991:

With the central government tottering, a Shiite uprising began in Basra and quickly spread. In Najaf, rebels tossed officials out of the windows of the Baath Party headquarters to be hacked apart by others below. Rioters raped and killed children in front of their parents.

7:38:58 PM       

The Raven does not watch "reality" television for several reasons. For starters, there is generally little about these programs that seems real. The "Tribal Council" set on Survivor, for example, is far less authentic than my neighbor's Kon Tiki-style poolside cabana. But I'm in the minority, so the WB network is going ahead with a new one titled, "The Surreal Life". From the looks of the cast, they got the adjective right.

The premise should be familiar enough: Put a bunch of folks in a house, videotape their every move, then edit said tape judiciously to maximize laughs. In this case, however, the protagonists are rap man M.C. Hammer, Webster-tyke Emmanuel Lewis, Scooby-Doo's Velma voicer and Facts o' Life star Mindy Cohn, Motley Crue's Vince Neil, and Playboy model/Baywatch babe Brande Roderick. We found a portion of a transcript from the pilot episode:

Roderick: Hammer, can I see the remote?
Hammer: Can't touch this.
Lewis: Hey, from down here, I can't even reach it.
Neil: We could just watch Brande.
Cohn: Any of you guys want me to make nachos?
Hammer: Can't eat that.
Neil: Yeah, but you did a number on the Pepperidge Farms Sausalitos last night.
Lewis: My neck's getting sore from looking up at everybody.
Roderick: You're so cute I could just hug 'n' cuddle you!
Hammer: Can't squeeze that.

Y'know, this actually looks so bizarre, I just might have to tune in once or twice. Anesthetic recommended.

MGM Does the Right Thing

Despite massive pressure from the Sharpton coalition to edit "offensive" remarks from its hit film Barbershop, a spokesman for MGM said the studio has "no intention of altering the film in any way." The studio will, however, be sending a multi-million dollar check to the Reverend in thanks for all the publicity his protest movement generated for the movie, which has grossed over $38 mil to date. They're planning a sequel already, and are consulting with Jackson's Rainbow PUSH organization to determine how best to offend Sharpton even more in round two.

Hong Kong Justice

There are places in this wide, wacky world in which you really don't want to default on a debt. The Middle East comes to mind, and I've heard that British debt collectors can be rather persistent, but I would never have guessed that the most vicious claims agencies on the planet are in Hong Kong.

In one case, f'rinstance, the law firm of Albert Ho received over 300 calls a day—shouted obscenities, recorded porno tapes—pure harrassment, and Ho wasn't even the debtor involved. They were after one of his employees. Then the volume of calls doubled. "It was extremely disturbing," said Ho.

Collection agencies in Tsim Shat Tsui have been known to "hang the carcasses of dogs and cats" outside apartments, which sounds rather forceful, but not as bad as death threats, which are commonly made against deadbeat debtors. If the person involved can't pay up, the agencies simply turn their attention toward the individual's friends and relatives.

Bankrupt property dealer Alan Chan recalled foul-mouthed debt collectors pestering him outside his home and office and sending threatening letters containing fake paper money from the "Bank of Hell."

In one particularly gruesome case, three men tortured and dismembered a 23-year-old nightclub hostess and stuffed her head inside a Hello Kitty doll. She allegedly owed $2,560.

9:32:01 AM