We had company staying with us over the weekend, and once again the experience proved the adage, "It's good to see 'em arrive, but best to see 'em go." Guests are like pets, in a way, since they need care, food, and water, but beyond furnishing a small measure of entertainment they serve no useful purpose.

The principle crime guests perpetrate upon the hapless host consists of an unconscionable disruption of the normal routine: You like to read your paper in a certain order of sections. You have a favorite chair. You like to wander the house in your underwear. But guests ruin all of that, and so much more.

Preparing for the Onslaught: Your happy home is about to become the Hilton Hotel for a gang of free-loading ingrates. Decorum demands you make a few half-hearted attempts to clear away clutter and rubish, and the fanatical may wish to run the sweeper a bit. Other time-tested tricks of the trade:

• Fill liquor bottles with off-brand bargain booze. They'll never know.
  
• Open bags of nuts and chips a day ahead. Stale snacks last longer in the dish.
  
• Hang only partial rolls of tissue in the guest bath to encourage conservation.
  
• Carefully hide that which you do not wish to have stolen.

During the Invasion: It's bad enough that you'll have to listen to "stories from afar," you're going to have to feign interest as well. Know the key phrases of guestspeak:

"I like what you did with this room!" = "You have poor taste."
"What a lovely color." = "What a horrible color."
"Oh, we don't need anything." = "Start hauling out the chow, and make it snappy."

Keep an eye on them. Guests love to rummage through your belongings when your back is turned. The rattle of bottles and sliding of drawers tells you they're "checking out" your bathroom—in brazen comfort behind a locked door! Fortunately, you removed anything of use and planted a few empty decoys, didn't you?

Feed them on carryout pizza or somesuch and bring one with you during pickup. An excellent time to "forget" your wallet.

A good host is a good conversationalist. Religion and politics are always lively topics, and they'll enjoy hearing about your last medical procedure, too. Now, if you've done your work properly, they'll be heading out quickly; remember to go through their bags and check for pilferage because you're already out of pocket on this deal as it is. As you stand in your driveway and wave them off, your smile will be completely genuine.

9:11:27 AM