"A vodka martini, shaken, not stirred."

At some point in your life, you realize that you're an adult, and that it is time to move on to adult pleasures. Among these, the martini takes pride of place as the quintessential accoutrement of a life being well-lived.

Cocktail. The name evokes images of neon signs bent into the signature shape of a martini glass and recalls half-dreamt memories of carefree parties, seamed stockings, and filterless cigarettes. There was a time—lost to us now—when people would gather to laugh, socialize, and form sexual liaisons amid clouds of nicotine and awash in a sea of alcohol with Sinatra crooning in the background. Way before my time, but I've heard of this and I feel somehow deprived of the sheer elegance these days embodied. The martini, I realized, would be a ticket aboard a time machine to transport me back in spirit to such halcyon days.

Bar Ware. Easily obtainable, but not necessarily cheap. You wouldn't expect time travel to be inexpensive, so you splurge and get the Bullet Martini Shaker for $35 and a few glasses at $15 each. Now you're in business.

Liquor. The essence of the martini is, of course, the booze. You have two choices here: Gin or Vodka. This depends on your taste and you can safely ignore the pompous hierophant who opines that "only gin will do." Gin does deliver a whisper of juniper and you might try this first. The Raven likes Bombay Safire or Tanqueray and both are reasonable. Vodka makes a serious martini that goes down like melted glacier ice and sharpens the wits with a cossack's fare-thee-well. We like Grey Goose and Belvedere, but you can low-ball it with Finlandia or Svedka and hardly tell the difference.

Fragrance. This is where you have to be firm. The martini requires a breath of vermouth, but whatever the bartender's guide you have says, ignore it. Two or three drops in the glass is more than enough. For best results get Martini & Rossi white vermouth in a small bottle. Eight ounces should last you a year. Regardless of the brand you select, keep your eyes open for an atomizer.

The Olives. These are very personal. If you're just starting out, get the large spanish pimento-stuffed type. Later, you'll want to experiment with anchovie-stuffed, onion-stuffed, or jalepeno-stuffed varieties. The Raven always uses two per martini. Spear them with a toothpick and keep your eye out for steel martini picks if you get into this.

Mixing. The Raven suggests you start with shaking. Fill shaker with ice. Pour liquor in glass and add to shaker. According to William Powell (in The Thin Man), a martini is shaken to a waltz rhythm. When your fingers are too cold to hold the shaker any longer, remove the cap and pour the contents into your glass. Spritz once with the vermouth atomizer, add the olive (speared with a toothpick or custom martini spear).
Shaking has the drawback of adding substantial amounts of crushed ice to your cocktail and will cloud the liquor. For a "gin clear" martini, you'll want to stir. For this, obtain a martini strainer and stir the liquor and ice instead of shaking. Pour out the shaker contents through the strainer and mist with vermouth, etc.

Drinking. You'll find that the martini demands its own place and time. A steak dinner is always a good choice, but look for times and places that emphasize intimacy and leisure. Soft music, gentle conversation, and luxurious surroundings are always a good fit. We have discovered that if you have any further plans for the evening, it's best to limit yourself to just one and savor it thoroughly.

7:22:26 PM       

We know the party's got to end sometime. Probably in a billion years or so, but not tommorow. This good news comes to us by way of the freaky French sect New Lighthouse. Founded by Arnaud Mussy, the group is your typical suicide cult whose members periodically jump the gun so as to avoid Doomsday, which Mussy predicts every now and then. Now he's saying it's gonna happen "sometime before Christmas."

"We've told everybody—including the police and reporters—that Oct. 24 was not the date. It could be in a month or two," Mussy added during a telephone interview from the western French city of Nantes, "but absolutely not Oct. 24."

Burma Save

Nice to see Andrew Chang's article titled "Access to Evil" this morning at ABCnews. Chang argues that Burma's dictatorship is also overdue for a regime change and that the country satisfies all the criteria for inclusion into Bush's Axis of Evil club. It's especially gratifying to see that ABC has made the editorial decision to prefer "Burma" over "Myanmar," when discussing the country, as this upsets and irritates the ruling junta to no end. Jeremy Woodrum, Washington director of the Free Burma Coalition, says that Burma lacks the strategic interest component that "Axis of Evil" membership requires, but suggests that "Maybe it should be the stop sign of evil."

Whine X

Here's one for the "We Really Don't Need This" file. Somewhere down the line, a buncha Gen-Xers convinced actor Jason Priestley to fund a wine magazine for the younger set. Figuring that the current level of interest in the noble grape is doomed unless the slacker set picks up the slack, they founded Wine X magazine, which does for wine what Maxim does for sex.

As you can see from the cover, this isn't your parent's stodgy "cabernet and BMW" mag by any means. The first glossy edition printed in 1997 led with a story titled "Sex, Wine & Rock 'N' Roll," and has pretty much stayed in this moronic vein since. We understand that some people are intimidated by wine, but just like cigars, scotch, and martinis, some things are acquired tastes and the upper end of oenophilia can get a bit pricey. That's part of the allure. Reducing the mystery for hoi polloi seems counterproductive.

Wine X readers seem to love the "Wine for Dummies" approach, however. Here's a letter to the editor:

"Finally, a magazine that understands what it's like not to be the SUV/BMW drivin', cellular-glued, laptop-carryin' Baby Boomers. We are Generation X, and my God, we deserve more respect than that!"

As anyone who's seen even the mildest skin flick, you'll know the mouth can do a lot more than the eye or nose. The role of the mouth in wine tasting is to sum it all up.

Vin de Pays D'Oc—France $8.50
The tasty farmer's daughter in a pair of Daisy Dukes—a little earthy and some nice junk in the trunk!

Vin de Pays d'Oc:—France, Price: $$
Characteristics: dry, medium-bodied, medium acidity, no oak, drink now - 3 years. Charming pear and apple notes, plus a touch of spice.

9:32:25 AM