The Raven

Tuesday, November 5, 2002

Ups and Downs

First, the ups. In this case, it's wine. Here are couple of recent winners that are nicely priced for vin d'table in the $10 range. We've been enjoying them with poultry, fish, and popcorn.

Bulletin Place Shiraz, 2000 South Eastern Australia.
Jammy, with notes of pepper and vanilla.

Kermit Lynch Cotes du Rhone, 2000 Avignon, France.
Luxuriously soft in the classic style of this varietal, goes through several incarnations as it breaths—from slightly tannic to a gentle finish. A touch of oak and blackberry, cassis, and red cherry.

You Don't Say?

In an op-ed piece for the NYT, Nicholas Kristof protests that the left has been a bit too harsh on George Bush, and quotes the following:

Citizens for Legitimate Government put it this way in its e-mail newsletter: "We have an Idiot Usurping Lying Weasel for a President."

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Could you repeat that, louder? And then he mentions how rough they've been on Dick "The Energizer" Cheney:

A reader wrote: "Dick Cheney is a maggot feeding on the decaying flesh of human misery."

Pretty good stuff, and not what I expected on my spin through the Times. I gotta visit them more often.

Welcome to America

Over at the St. Petersburg Times, there's this bit about an experimental program called the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office Refugee Victimization Services. HCSORVS (pronounced "hick-sorves") was designed to get new immigrants to the Tampa area together with law enforcement personnel who perform a briefing on our laws and customs. Makes sense, right?

Officer Millan "informed Puerto Rican drivers that, yes, they do indeed need to stop for red lights between midnight and 5 a.m." Which they aren't used to doing.

"In Puerto Rico, you don't have to stop for red lights at that time, to avoid getting carjacked," Millan explained.

Come to think of it, there are places in Florida where you still outta keep moving during those hours. Millan fields the tough questions, like "What is a seat belt?"

"In Cuba, you have to decide whether to use the rope for the seat belt or to hold the door closed," Millan said.

Uh-huh. Then they asked him "What is the Internet?" Police work is tougher than I thought. That's it for the Ups. Now for the downs:

They Ran Out of Men

Looks like Terrifica got ahold of Sarah Jessica Parker and company. In a morning interview today with Fox News, Sex and the City castmember Cynthia Nixon said the next season of the show "will be the last." Still, better they leave at a high point than grind every last drop of blood out of the series. You have to admit, though, that this show has had some of the better writing.

Wrong Target

Y'know, watching the Catholic church trying to come to grips with the problem of pedophilia among the clergy makes you wonder how good these guys could possibly be at the more difficult parts of their work, like saving souls.

The Vatican said Tuesday it is drafting new guidelines for accepting candidates for the priesthood that will address the question of whether gays should be barred.

I hate to be the one to tell them this, but homosexuality is not correlated with child molestation. The article notes that, but adds, "several church leaders have argued that gay clergy are to blame for the scandal." Big mistake, fathers.

4:44:30 PM

The Raven's Guide to Voting

There's no sense in letting yourself be bandied about by the electoral machinery that's been lined up against you for the past few months. You've done what you can—you deleted those unwanted messages from the candidates on your answering machine and tossed all those glossy candidate info cards straight into the trash. Now it's time to vote the Progressive Feminist Freak Ticket. Works like this:

The Big Races
Recognize a name? Vote for that one.

You know both names? Pick the woman.

Don't know either one? Pick the woman.

Neither is a woman? Pick the one with the better-sounding name.

Overriding factors: Funny nicknames, weird third-party affiliation. Get these people in.

Negative factors: Bad artwork on campaign signs. Ugly candidate. TV commercials made you sick. Candidate spent more money than the other guy. Ran on a "family values" platform. A "professional politician." Screw these people.

Amendments
Look for the bizarre amendment and vote Yes in order to mess with their heads.

They have enough money. They want more? No.

Anything expressing "solidarity," or resolving to "show support" for something or other usually gets a No, because they are wasting your valuable time.

Vote No on anything with the word "superintendent" in it.

If it doesn't make clear and unambiguous sense through the martini haze and do so within 10 words, vote No.

Be suspicious of "feel good" legislation. Did some nitnoid PAC ram this thing through in order to build a bandwagon of high-fives and grinning self-satisfaction? Slap it down like a puppy caught on the kitchen counter.

There! You've done your part. Now you can head back and watch the returns on TV. Notice how unintelligent the people in your community are as they vote in direct opposition to your will. Switch to wine by 9 pm.

Just What We Needed

Superheros don't just live in comic books, you know. In fact, New York lays claim to being under the protection of Terrifica—a scarlet-clad heroine in cape and tights who prowls the city's dark underbelly in search of young women in danger.

No newcomer she, Terrifica has been patrolling the street scene for seven years and during her single-handed reign against the forces of rapacity has managed to rescue "several women" who'd over-imbibed.

"I protect the single girl living in the big city. I do this because women are weak. They are easily manipulated, and they need to be protected from themselves and most certainly from men and their ill intentions toward them."

Her alter-ego is a computer consultant named Sarah who toils in digital drudgery. But come nightfall, she puts on her blond Brunhilde wig with a golden mask and a matching Valkyrie bra and hits the turf. "I have to act in the most extreme situations," she says, even though during this interview she doesn't detect any acts of maudlin malfeasance. "But if I come back here at 2:30, 3 o'clock in the morning, there are people drunk, making out with other people, going home with other people. They don't know what they're doing. They're drunk." Good for her. Maybe.

Curiously, she hasn't received much press during her tenure, but she has inspired a few others to get into the act. The editors over at LadyFriend magazine were so impressed by Terrifica that they decided to join the superhero set, too. They discovered that it isn't as easy as it looks.

"Princess Perilous and I, Ultra Lady, decided to go out superheroine-style and hand out surveys to Clevelanders on the street, to find out how the general public really feels about caped crusaders."

Which seemed fairly innocuous. Then things turned ugly: "Once we entered the public sphere however, it became clear that such actions might get us beat up rather than garnering gratitude." That's life as an unappreciated protector of the public interest for you.

But this got me thinking. The Raven could be a superhero: Scotch Man (friend of single-malt drinkers, protects bar patrons from ordering well brands). Scotch Man just might show up at the community rec center and vote, too.

9:23:25 AM