The Raven

Friday, December 20, 2002

The Eye of the Beholder

We're always looking for truth in the world around us. A big reason for that is because truth is often breathtakingly beautiful. Ask any mathematician or chess master and you'll hear that the solution to a problem often resonates with a kind of glowing, ethereal "rightness." We speak of the "ring of truth," acknowledging that the True is the music of the spheres—at times literally so, as when John Coltrane's saxophone enters a wall of discordant noise and unifies it with a perfect note that organizes confusion into a message of eternal meaning.

In like guise, falsehood stutters; the untrue shimmers when you sense it from the corner of your eye. The projection of a lie is a constructed hologram that rarely exists under its own power and often demands an investment from the viewer, a contribution of energy expressed in the form of guileless belief and wishful thinking. Our roundup this morning makes coherent sense when each story is weighed on Osiris's Scales of Judgement, with the True a single white feather and the false an oily black ball of tar.

Making It (Up)

I was looking at this review of Making It: Love and success at America's finest universities, a book by David Brooks, and began to sense the slow burn of anger I always feel whenever I'm being fed a line of crap.

It's a lengthy piece, but Brooks's main insights are that Yale is the best educational institution in America, it's students are the brightest, they are too busy multitasking to commit to traditional relationships and therefore bang like weasels in the dark whenever they get the chance, and that most of them opt for high-paying careers instead of following their hearts. Like any good lie, this one has a kernel of truth to it.

This meritocratic system punishes eccentricity. As I went from campus to campus, meeting with, eating with, and drinking with groups of students, I found myself looking for and delighting in the students who stood out as bizarre or untamed.

Repeatedly, Brooks laments the good ol' 1960s campus replete with its chronic major-changers, freaks, and stand-ins for Doonesbury's Zonker. We're tempted to nod sagely in agreement with his observation that many of the students he met "had never really used their imagination to create an ideal future." It's when you step back a bit and look at his whole premise that the sham becomes startlingly visible: He toured some Ivy-league schools, interviewed some uberkinder, and generalized from there.

In fact, university students are still, across the board, as varied as they ever were. High tuition does keep many of them focused, because when you graduate with $60,000 in debt, you kinda want to be able to pay it off in 20 years. He didn't need to write a treatise to reach that obvious conclusion.

Truly Stupid

There's no other explanation for North Carolina's Rep. Cass Ballenger. We say this based on his statement this morning on Charlotte radio station WBT that, in response to Sen. Trent Lott's recent comments and when considering former Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., "I must admit I had segregationist feelings." While we agree that McKinney was a terrible embarrassment, she's gone and best forgotten. Ballenger dug a deep hole as he continued:

"If I had to listen to her, I probably would have developed a little bit of a segregationist feeling," Ballenger told the Observer. "But I think everybody can look at my life and what I've done and say that's not true. I mean, she was such a bitch," he said.

He subsequently admitted that his remarks were, "pretty stupid on my part," which is very true.

Truly Sick

No, not the kid, the mother. We're talking about this story of a mom who faked her child's cancer in order to solicit sympathy donations.

The photo at right shows the kind of display Teresa Milbrandt had set up in Urbana, Ohio convenience stores and the like to generate some easy cash. The details are hard to believe, but this gal set out to convince everyone that her 7-year-old daughter had leukemia.

"She said it was a little white lie that got out of control," Sgt. David Reese said Thursday about the woman.

A "little white lie"? False. She netted over $10,000 from concerned neighbors and residents and, incredibly, was even able to deceive the child in question:

Police said Milbrandt gave her daughter sleeping pills and shaved her head, then told her when she woke up that she had had chemotherapy. They said she even put the girl in counseling to prepare to die.

The girl is now in state custody. The husband should be, too. At first he denied knowledge, but it appears he's known what was going on for at least a month. "Whenever anybody would ask her a question about leukemia, she would go on the Internet and look up the answers," Reese said. Town residents are understandably outraged.

More Trouble

The TSA has been hard at work thinking up more wacky regulations to confuse us with at travel time. Like any other Federal bureaucracy, rules is what they do best!

James Loy, head of the TSA, announced the new rules yesterday. Among them:

Loy said travelers should put toothbrushes and other personal belongings in plastic bags so screeners won't have to touch them. He said books should be spread out rather than stacked, and food and beverages are prohibited.

I feel safer already. Another rule says that you can't pack chocolate or cheese in your bags, either, since they could be mistaken for plastic explosives, like Semtex and C4. But the real zinger is that no checked luggage can be locked anymore, so as to facilitate security screenings and theft of your belongings. The LA Times noted that this would be "controversial." In theory, if a behind-the-scenes official opens your checked luggage, they're supposed to put a sheet of paper in there giving you a number to call in case anything's gone awry, "but the policy prompted an outcry after officials failed to specify who would be liable for lost, damaged or stolen articles."

There will be consumer safeguards, said security agency spokesman Brian Turmail: "If someone gets back a bag with something missing, they can call our consumer-response center."

Although that's not technically a lie, we'll label it such because you know perfectly well that if you call that number, you'll be put on hold for three hours until finally being disconnected.

Dept. of Bizarre Headlines

No stories here, just weird headlines that had us scratching our heads in some cases, and laughing in others.

N.Y. Governor Signs Anti-Gay Legislation
The laws, it turns out, are pro-gay in nature.

More Workers With Children Jobless: Study
How can a "worker" be "jobless"? Looks like Newspeak to us.

War With Iraq Appears Increasingly Unavoidable
Grammar quibble: See "a little-bit pregnant."

Boycott Mars Key Iraq Meeting
What did Mars ever do to them?

Winner's faith in heart and Seoul of Asia
This violates the industry ban on "heart and Seoul" jokes that's been in effect since the early 1960s. Also applies to "body and Seoul," "Seoul man," etc.

Man sentenced for monkeys in pants
You'd think the monkeys-in-pants would be punishment enough.

Man Bites Into Bat Burger
This "laff riot" of a practical joke sent the victim to the hospital. Hardy har har.

Flying South

The Raven is heading out for some holiday get-togethers with family and will return Sunday evening. If you still have time, check out some interesting videos here, and here. We'll be perching on the comments boards, time permitting. Have a great weekend, everyone.

10:58:51 AM